Thursday, October 7, 2010

People In Spandex & Biker Helmets: The Movie part 3

Written on: Oct 7th, 2010

The epic finale (finally!)....

Hehehe, that mountain looks like it's makin' a frowny face....
Ahem, on with the movie...
Green Ranger is still meandering around in the jungle.

And, with the migrating herd of evil...
There is much complaining. And... ooh look, a temple!.
Crap, angry natives. Hey, they've got Ex-Ranger Girl!.
Lady Evil lets Larry-Boy out and he gargles. Sparkle!.
The natives are impressed and bow a lot.
This is probably the ugliest wedding event ever. Everyone here is a fashion disaster. Then again....

Green Ranger runs up to the other Rangers and yells about stuff we ALREADY know.
Larry-Boy is dying. The Ex-Rangers are prisoners. And most important: we have to hurry!.
(why did we send him to scout ahead again?)
So anyway, they suit up.... hey, the kid's taller. Blue Ranger is about as tall as everyone else!.
So... either he's taller than he looks or they're all.... really short.

Hey, Serpent's Temple. Temple of the random fireballs from no place.
Oh, and some random bowing natives are there too.
That's right, put all the prisoners next to each other. No way they could, like, free each other.
Nope, not possible.
Mmm, steaming skulls. Not creepy at all, not in the least.
Now, time to bake the dinners. Where's the microwave?.

Here come the Rangers!. Running like.... really, really colorful wind (hey!. Colors of the wind!. They exist!. But... I don't recommend painting with them....).

Meanwhile, in the cave.
The two Ex-Rangers have been tied up above the bubbling ooze that apparently contains whats-his-face. They've gotta be thinking “Man, this wedding sucks!. I SO did not come here to be eaten!. I didn't even get an invite. If they'd just mailed me an invitation, I might have said yes... but NOOO, they had to kidnap me and hang me up by my wrists over this fiery pit of doom. Gosh, how rude can you get?” or “AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!. I'm too stupid to die!!!”.
Oh great, now the natives are dancing. As if they weren't creepy enough. You know, they distinctly remind me of some chimps we met earlier....
Dang it, Lady Evil talked for too long. The Rangers arrived.
Not that they'll be able to stop her from dropping the Ex-Rangers into the fiery pit of doom and releasing great evil on the entire world. It's not like they're super-fast or super-strong or.... oh wait.
Never mind.
FIGHT SCENE!. Some random lines and nearly losing. Friends turning evil for awhile, then being all good. And also some evil sacrifices (EELY!!!. NOOOO!!!!!. YOU KILLED EELY!!! YOU EVIL, EVIL BRIDE!). And ultimate evil being released. Which is apparently a lava monster with lobster claws and Rottweiler teeth.
Time for ACTUAL weapons!. And.... Lady Evil isn't quite sure she's evil enough for this guy.
Yeah, standard weapons don't work. Big surprise.
He smashes them a bit (Note to Rangers: Do not get hit with electrically charge super-evil being made of molten lava and lobsters. It doesn't turn out well)
As for the Ex-Rangers, they take a different exit. Apparently releasing ultimate evil causes volcanoes to erupt. Oh, and they took the Trollz with them (WHY CAN'T THEY JUST DIE!?. WHY!?!?).

The Rangers have made it out of the mountain, slightly worse for wear. But their spandex is still shiny new, as always. It's that self-cleaning kind. Do not machine wash or dry.

Ultimate Evil Guy escaped too.
But now the Rangers have their Zords!. Nothing can defeat them now!. Well, actually right now they're just cars. But if they can find an open place to combine.... DRIVE!. DRIVE FASTER!.
And, for the first time, we get a clear and daylight view of all five zords.
Pink Ranger's Zord.... it's... it's WHITE. How horrible.

Lady Evil and her troop race to watch the epic battle of good and evil. She considers changing her name to something slightly less... aggressive... like Lady Slightly-Psychotic. Or Lady Midly Dramatic.

UEG spits some fireballs and then grows to a massively improbable size.
Dang it, the guy is singing again. By their powers combined.... wait, no.
Anyway, the zords combined make... Optimus Prime?.
Anyway, now it's time for that giant thing fight scene that's supposed to look cool but really just looks pretty stupid. Especially since the guy is STILL singing and UEG is making roaring tiger noises.
And their combined Zords make an elephant/elk cross sound. Ew.
Please... please... please, just make it STTOOOPPPP!!!!.
Just kill me now. Shut up all of you.

Finally, after much flailing, the Rangers win.
Lady Moderately Deranged throws a fit and then runs away.
The volcano starts to erupt (nice of it to wait for the fight to end).
The Two Morons are back on the beach, looking moronic.
So the Rangers pick up all the... not evil folk and everybody goes home.

Now we get to watch some people pretend to box while they're ACTUALLY doing weird martial arts.
Apparently this is a dude team sport and the proceeds go to the orphanage (so THAT'S why Rocky was so upset. Couldn't they have said so earlier?). Anyway....
And Ex-Ranger Dude fills in for.... Ex-Blue Ranger?...
And they won that too. WHOOOO!!!!!!!. YAY!.
Can we go now?.
No. We have to congratulate everyone. And listen to a Lady (you heard right) sing something about how “we can make it” and “even in the night” and “superstar” and “turn the tide”.
Okay, can we go now?.
Nope, we need to watch the audience yay for awhile.
Okay, how about now?.
The end credits music wasn't too horrid either.

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