Thursday, October 7, 2010

People In Spandex & Biker Helmets: The Movie part 3

Written on: Oct 7th, 2010

The epic finale (finally!)....

Hehehe, that mountain looks like it's makin' a frowny face....
Ahem, on with the movie...
Green Ranger is still meandering around in the jungle.

And, with the migrating herd of evil...
There is much complaining. And... ooh look, a temple!.
Crap, angry natives. Hey, they've got Ex-Ranger Girl!.
Lady Evil lets Larry-Boy out and he gargles. Sparkle!.
The natives are impressed and bow a lot.
This is probably the ugliest wedding event ever. Everyone here is a fashion disaster. Then again....

Green Ranger runs up to the other Rangers and yells about stuff we ALREADY know.
Larry-Boy is dying. The Ex-Rangers are prisoners. And most important: we have to hurry!.
(why did we send him to scout ahead again?)
So anyway, they suit up.... hey, the kid's taller. Blue Ranger is about as tall as everyone else!.
So... either he's taller than he looks or they're all.... really short.

Hey, Serpent's Temple. Temple of the random fireballs from no place.
Oh, and some random bowing natives are there too.
That's right, put all the prisoners next to each other. No way they could, like, free each other.
Nope, not possible.
Mmm, steaming skulls. Not creepy at all, not in the least.
Now, time to bake the dinners. Where's the microwave?.

Here come the Rangers!. Running like.... really, really colorful wind (hey!. Colors of the wind!. They exist!. But... I don't recommend painting with them....).

Meanwhile, in the cave.
The two Ex-Rangers have been tied up above the bubbling ooze that apparently contains whats-his-face. They've gotta be thinking “Man, this wedding sucks!. I SO did not come here to be eaten!. I didn't even get an invite. If they'd just mailed me an invitation, I might have said yes... but NOOO, they had to kidnap me and hang me up by my wrists over this fiery pit of doom. Gosh, how rude can you get?” or “AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!. I'm too stupid to die!!!”.
Oh great, now the natives are dancing. As if they weren't creepy enough. You know, they distinctly remind me of some chimps we met earlier....
Dang it, Lady Evil talked for too long. The Rangers arrived.
Not that they'll be able to stop her from dropping the Ex-Rangers into the fiery pit of doom and releasing great evil on the entire world. It's not like they're super-fast or super-strong or.... oh wait.
Never mind.
FIGHT SCENE!. Some random lines and nearly losing. Friends turning evil for awhile, then being all good. And also some evil sacrifices (EELY!!!. NOOOO!!!!!. YOU KILLED EELY!!! YOU EVIL, EVIL BRIDE!). And ultimate evil being released. Which is apparently a lava monster with lobster claws and Rottweiler teeth.
Time for ACTUAL weapons!. And.... Lady Evil isn't quite sure she's evil enough for this guy.
Yeah, standard weapons don't work. Big surprise.
He smashes them a bit (Note to Rangers: Do not get hit with electrically charge super-evil being made of molten lava and lobsters. It doesn't turn out well)
As for the Ex-Rangers, they take a different exit. Apparently releasing ultimate evil causes volcanoes to erupt. Oh, and they took the Trollz with them (WHY CAN'T THEY JUST DIE!?. WHY!?!?).

The Rangers have made it out of the mountain, slightly worse for wear. But their spandex is still shiny new, as always. It's that self-cleaning kind. Do not machine wash or dry.

Ultimate Evil Guy escaped too.
But now the Rangers have their Zords!. Nothing can defeat them now!. Well, actually right now they're just cars. But if they can find an open place to combine.... DRIVE!. DRIVE FASTER!.
And, for the first time, we get a clear and daylight view of all five zords.
Pink Ranger's Zord.... it's... it's WHITE. How horrible.

Lady Evil and her troop race to watch the epic battle of good and evil. She considers changing her name to something slightly less... aggressive... like Lady Slightly-Psychotic. Or Lady Midly Dramatic.

UEG spits some fireballs and then grows to a massively improbable size.
Dang it, the guy is singing again. By their powers combined.... wait, no.
Anyway, the zords combined make... Optimus Prime?.
Anyway, now it's time for that giant thing fight scene that's supposed to look cool but really just looks pretty stupid. Especially since the guy is STILL singing and UEG is making roaring tiger noises.
And their combined Zords make an elephant/elk cross sound. Ew.
Please... please... please, just make it STTOOOPPPP!!!!.
Just kill me now. Shut up all of you.

Finally, after much flailing, the Rangers win.
Lady Moderately Deranged throws a fit and then runs away.
The volcano starts to erupt (nice of it to wait for the fight to end).
The Two Morons are back on the beach, looking moronic.
So the Rangers pick up all the... not evil folk and everybody goes home.

Now we get to watch some people pretend to box while they're ACTUALLY doing weird martial arts.
Apparently this is a dude team sport and the proceeds go to the orphanage (so THAT'S why Rocky was so upset. Couldn't they have said so earlier?). Anyway....
And Ex-Ranger Dude fills in for.... Ex-Blue Ranger?...
And they won that too. WHOOOO!!!!!!!. YAY!.
Can we go now?.
No. We have to congratulate everyone. And listen to a Lady (you heard right) sing something about how “we can make it” and “even in the night” and “superstar” and “turn the tide”.
Okay, can we go now?.
Nope, we need to watch the audience yay for awhile.
Okay, how about now?.
The end credits music wasn't too horrid either.

People In Spandex & Biker Helmets: The Movie part 2

Written on: Oct 7th, 2010

The epic (fail) continues....

Let us make the obvious more obvious. We can't let Larry-Boy give in to Lady Evil!. That's WRONG!. But she'll kill his family, and our ex-rangers (well duh, but isn't her plan to unleash ultimate evil on the universe?. I'd say your screwed no matter what).
Oh yeah, and we have faith in the ex-rangers (faith that they'll do.... what exactly?. Die horribly?. I like that idea. They should totally get right on that).

SPARKLE!. Yep, we went with Larry-Boy to this eternally dark beach. It seemed like a good idea at the time (Oh, you are SO not holding that thing's hand!. Tell me you-.... you are!. Stop it!. It's creepy!. Besides, you have no idea what horrible diseases it might be carrying!).
And here's what they SHOULD have said, but didn't.
Green Ranger: Hey look!.
Red Ranger: Dude, is that a giant metal salmon?.
Green Ranger: Yeah, I think it is.
Red Ranger: Awesome. I want one!.
(the girls had no part on the grounds that they were holding onto Larry-Boy's hands. They couldn't possibly talk and make physical contact with the Troll at the same time).
What they actually said amounted to this “Crap. It's evil and creepy. Oh look, she's siccing giant chihuahuas riding speed boats made of garbage cans on us” (the guys with silly hats).
Right-Hand Guy yells at them to give up Larry-Boy.
But the Rangers want to negotiate. Larry has other ideas.
He's already teleported himself down to the beach (Rangers: Crap, why didn't anyone tell us he could do that himself?. Then we wouldn't have had to trek through the jungle to get him. Me: awesome!. It's leaving!. Trollz Dolls are like Clowns. Evil and creepy. Rangers: *glares*. Me: What?.).
What do ya know?. The evil guys didn't give us the ex-rangers back!. How rude.
Why are they surprised?. Haven't they been doing the hero thing long enough to know that you NEVER trust crazy giant alien chihuahuas?.
Let us now jump off the cliff. WHHHEEEEEE!!!!!.
And then we'll.... run towards the ocean. Because maybe we can catch up with the speed boats?.
HEY!. They dumped out the “bodies”. SWIM!. Everybody!. Because it'll take all four of us to rescue two people!.
Yep, they're dummies (I mean literally. Dummies. They didn't dump the ACTUAL ex-rangers).
Tommy has lost his tiny mind (Wait.... wasn't Tommy Green Ranger originally?. Or Black Ranger?. Is he still?. I mean... he's never, like... morphed or anything. I just assumed he was Red Ranger because he's the leader and picked up the red backpack when he and Pink Ranger went on their safari {Pink Ranger picked up the pink backpack}. TOMMY!. STOP CONFUSING THE CHILDREN!. It's CRUEL!. Cut it out!).

Do de do, giant salmon. Nothing suspicious here, move along.
Dramatic music. Lady Evil is.... well, being evil. But she can't make the “key” (Lady, that is a WAND, not a key) work properly (I've totally seen this movie. Only the pure of heart can.... wait, that was passing through the magic gateway.... my bad).
Apparently, she already knew that only Larry-Boy could make the “key” work. Which is, naturally, why everyone's alive. Actually, it's because it's a kids movie (sorry, but it's true. They have that “no kill” policy. Like some animal shelters).
I can't say for sure, but I think Wife Troll is being sad. She may just have big lips though.
Anyway, evil plotting. Sad Trollz. And a fly. Don't ask me why.

Down below, the girl Ex-Power Ranger is listening. Yep, she's evil. Sure enough.
Oh yeah. And the stupid guys are still stupid.

Meanwhile, with our... not ex-rangers....
Technobabble!. I order you to do stuff!. I have no idea what it means.
BOOM!. And a Zord is born!. Turbo Zords (what?. They needed SOME excuse for the title right?).
Huh. These zords are.... Transformers!. AWESOME!.
Tommy's wearing red now (STOP IT!. STOP CHANGING COLORS!. STOP!).
And Kat's accent left for parts unknown.
Crap, run!. They're moving on their own!. Okay, they just kinda grin at the “most powerful zords ever created (Until next movie)”. These zords have random names.
YAY!. Oh yeah, and Blue Ranger's zord will be staying behind because he hurt hisself and that zord is sulking until he gets better (meaning you can't combine them into a giant zord. Crap. You're all going to die!). Oh, as a side note, when you enter the Bermuda Triangle (they didn't call it that, but that's what it was), communication will be impossible (Too bad. You're all going to die and nobody will even know).
Hey, new morphers!. Sweet!.
Lines so epic that they're laughable and bad.
Oh yeah. And only together will the morphers be powerful enough to see them safely.... wait... we have no Blue Ranger. Dang.
Why don't they notice this?.
SPARKLESPARKLEZAPPOWRANGERS!. Yeah, that's what happened.
YAY!. We have cooler spandex now!. Oh wait... it's still spandex...
Okay, can we PLEASE go now?.
Now, we have to stand there like we're getting ready to do some yoga while Zordon tells us about a ghost ship that does.... we're not sure. And they have to combine their powers. DUH!.
And all the sensors are gonna be screwed up. Yeah, we get it.
How about now?. Can we go NOW?.

THANK you.
Epic music and fog.... or is it smog?. Where exactly is this?.
Ah, who cares. Look!. Brightly colored hummer-type.... oh, the zords. Right...
Stupid lines. And WHY is everyone out of uniform again?. What was the point of powering up if you're not gonna, you know, stay that way?.

Back with Zordon (NNOOOOOO!!!!!).
Zordon is talkin' to the new guy. Who is also the blue guy (Who can say “Sulky Kid”?).

In the sea of everlasting creepiness....
Stupid obvious conversation. Oh yeah, and Larry-Boy is dying again.

On the land of everlasting creepiness....
Hey look!. Ghost ship!. Let's go!. It'll take us to creepsville!. Oh wait, we're already there...
Oh and here comes Blue Ranger. Time for.... yeah, we're not surprised at all really.
Crap, we've got an eight year old on the team. He got a crash-course in driving.
But has NO idea what's going on. Great. He'll be helpful... anyway, on the ship with us!.

Let's all wander around on this creepy ship. There might be something creepy here.
Yep. It's creepy out here. Ya know, haunted and all that.
You're sure this was a good idea, right?.
Hey look, a locked box. I know, let's pry it open!.
Looks like the morphers will control the ship. AWESOME!. Oh, and Pink Ranger has that accent again.
And now it's gone.
And the haunted ship mans itself and sets sail for parts unkn-... oh right, we do know where we're going. Never mind.
This music is entirely TOO cheerful for a haunted ship.
Stop IT. EW!. Now there's singing!. “there's hope for the world!. Hope for the world!. Hope for the world!”.... only if he shuts up. He seriously needs to not sing while he's being strangled...

Back to the metal salmon (Bravo!. You stopped the guy from singing *applauds*).
Evil music plays.
Lady Evil is talking to herself in the mirror (scratch that. She's Lady Crazy).
Hey, the sensors aren't completely screwed up!. They detected humans!.
Apparently it's important to know WHAT they're traveling on/in. Because... I don't know (can't you just... follow the signal to the humans and kill them?. Do you really need to know if they're on a barge or a speedboat or some freakin' dolphins?).
She releases..... missiles?. Giant grenades?. Bowling balls?. What ARE those?. I bet they explode.

Haunted Boat time.
This is the lamest haunted thing EVER. It's not scaring anyone. It's HELPING the heroes.
Ooh, but its got giant sea slugs attached to it! (is that what the salmon released?. Gross). They're makin' heartbeat noises and squeaking. That can't be a good sign.
Sulky Kid- ahm, I mean “Blue Ranger” is looking over the side of the boat. He looks sea sick.

And now for a fashion question. Pink Ranger is wearing the world's shortest short shorts. But she's also got a jacket wrapped around her like she's cold. WHY isn't she wearing longer pants?.
And now, back to our story.

Pink Ranger and.... Questionable Blue Ranger talk at each other.
Apparently Sulky Kid is an orphan (why didn't they SAY so earlier?. Since it wasn't a secret from the Rangers. Ugh, oh well).
Meanwhile, the sea slugs are happily spreading over the ship. Not that anyone notices.
They talk some more (the people, not the slugs).

EW, EW, EW!. The slugs opened!. It's letting out the- OMIGOSHWHATTHEHELLISTHAT!?.

Ahem... peaceful heart to heart conversation. Hugz. Happiness.


And now Pink Ranger is going back down below. What was the purpose of this conversation again?.


Down below.... nobody is sleeping. She lied to him.
Everyone is happy. And calm. And not at all noticing the HUGEMONSTERTHINGS that are growing on their ship. Nope. Nothing to worry about here. Lalalala.... :D.

They're.... they're.... stegosaurus/turtle/gorilla hybrids with demonic eyes and snake tongues?.
Wow. Much less scary than when they were hatching...
The kid FINALLY turns around and sees them.
He doesn't, like, scream or anything. He's just mildly disturbed.
Oh. He's too scared to scream. Okay, whatever. That works too.

Green Ranger has superhearing! (then WHY didn't he hear those things snarling and sliming about when they were hatching!?). Green Ranger to the- oh... the kid's just fine. He's beating up on the scary things. Ah well. So much for “the rescue”. I'll just stand here and- holy mutated creatures!. There's more of them!. He does a really impractical flip and knocks the beast into a bell.
NOW everybody else notices (didn't they notice when he, you know, left?).
It's fight the creatures time!. No, there will be no morphing in this scene.
Stop pouting. I said STOP!. You're just jealous because their flailing is both more effective and sillier looking than yours, even when they aren't wearing clashing spandex outfits.
NOOOO, the singing guy is BAAACCKKK!!!....
YAY!. VICTORY! (yes, I'm yaying because their victory made the guy stop singing).

Now, back to our salmon.
The Ex-Rangers are trying to escape. Yay them. If they were going to, wouldn't they have managed it.... you know, sooner?.
Dude Ex-Ranger: I know!. I've got the perfect plan!. We'll break a hole in this sub, and swim to the surface!.
Girl Ex-Ranger: Dude, you're crazy!.
Dude: Well... yeah.
Girl: Let's totally do that.
That's the conversation they COULD have had. But they ARE going to do that totally sweet suicidal plan. It will be awesome.
Hey, there's lightning in this water. Cool.

Above, but still in the salmon....
There is craziness as they near their destination.

Lower down.
Oh darn!. When you take off all the bolts holding the seal shut, it leaks!.
Never saw THAT coming! (now you see why they are EX-Rangers. They're not the brightest crayon in the box).

At the surface.
Hey, it's daylight. Crud, we're going into a lightning storm. WHY is ultimate evil always in a dark, lightning-ish place?. Why not somewhere nice and sunny?.
(Side note: anyone else noticing that this sounds like a totally different movie?)

In the salmon...
Oh drat!. The storm is shaking the sub around!. It threw Eely in the air!. Poor Eely!. Someone catch him, quick before he splats!. I am so not cleaning that up if you- oh good, you caught him.

Further down.
The sub is leaking!. The sub is leaking!.
Obvious dialogue: NOW!.

In all three places: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! (lightning storm, ship flailing about like a dying sea urchin, sub leaking, that kind of thing).
Alright, who's idea WAS this?. Who EVER thought this was a good place to go!?.

Lady Evil wants Larry to open the evil portal to evil land. He doesn't want to, so she steals the baby Ewok from the Mother Troll. Mother Troll squeals like an angry parrot.
Larry-Boy gargles unhappily. Then he agrees and gargles a tune that seems to show up in every fantasy film ever created in one way or the other.
Super-Gargling!. SPARKLE!. Portal opens!. More Gargling.

Down below, they're trying to pry the door open (weren't they just trying to hold it closed?. Why can't they make up their minds?. And, while we're on that note, why did they say they couldn't morph?. They're WEARING MORPHERS!). Shut up and stop ruining our epicness.
Never mind. The stupid guys did it for me. But not by saying that.

Lady Evil suddenly realizes that her sub is sinking. Just now?. Seriously?. That red alert alarm has been going off for like... three cuts now. Everyone panic!.

Meanwhile, we need the keys to enter the portal with Lady Evil and the others.
Lets all go below and let the most helpless of us (Pink Ranger) go get the keys. Good plan.
Isn't it the leader's job to do suicidally dangerous things?.
Skip to when Pink Ranger arrives with the keys.
In an epic case of phail, Blue Ranger drops his key, which immediately slides behind the only immovable objects in the room. Niiice.
Epic struggling to reach small object. And lightning outside.
VICTORY!. Now everyone touch your morphers together and.... massive sparkle!.
Well that was fun.

In the water filled basement of the submarine...
They're going to drown BEFORE they get outside to the 100 foot deep water that they have to swim out of.... (question: wouldn't water that deep.... like, crush your lungs or something?).
Now, let's free the morons.... no, not US. We're already “free”. The OTHER morons.
Now, I just have to quote one of them, because the line was awesome “Sweem out. Like a leetle guppay”. Yeah, they're normal....
Now, everybody sweem out like a leetle guppay!. Hurry, before you're out of breath!.
And yes, they do all swim with their eyes open (this is SALT water. I don't see how).
Oops. An emergency hatch just shut Ex-Ranger Dude in. Too bad. It was his plan and he has to stay behind. No fair!.
Lady Evil isn't terribly pleased about there only being one snack left.
That snack looks eerily pleased with himself, despite the near-drowning and the fact that he's still about to be fed to a man-eating tiger full of ultimate evilness. Yeah, I wouldn't be that cheerful about it.

And on the surface... wow, no lightning storm here?. I would have thought there would be epic lightning in the dimension that has the cage for ultimate evil. I mean really.
Hey look, an island!. No, not a shadowed island. Just an island.
You know, this whole dimension where they keep evil stuff just isn't as creepy as I expected it to be.
I mean, kids movie yeah, but this is much less creepy than the boat when they first got on it.
It's not creepy at all!. I'd vacation on that island if it didn't have the cage for evil dude.
Some stupid pointless lines.
Wait, what?. The cage is in a volcano in the serpent's temple!?. What the heck?. Why didn't they say this stuff earlier!?.

The fish surfaces and looks ominous. Not that anybody sees or cares except maybe the stuff on the island. Assuming living things are there. I assume so. Serpent's Temple sounds like snakes to me.

Inside the fish, Larry-Boy seems to be dazed and unresponsive. Oh well. Who cares?.
Uh... who's the Jedi in the back- Oh, it's just Ex-Ranger Dude. They gave him a Jedi cloak.. but... why?.
Is it like putting frosting on a cake?. To make him more delicious?.
He's got that whole Jedi look down pat. I can see he wanted to be in Star Wars.
Power Rangers must have been such a disappointment to him. No wonder he quit.
He was probably on his way to Tatooine (what?. Phantom Menace was the same year!) when she kidnapped him. Dang, now he'll never get to be in the movie. Poor guy.
Hey!. People!. Oh wait, dang it. Yeah, Lady Evil throws a temper tantrum about the fact that the Power Rangers JUST. WON'T. DIE!. On the other hand, we just clearly demonstrated that they are replacable with small children when you need all five for something, so it wouldn't be too bad even if she DID manage to kill them. Zordon would just get new ones.
O.o Eep!. Lady Evil has just called a really squeaky shrieking woman for help!.
Apparently, we should know who she is..... I don't. I'm sure someone does (for those of you who might be able to guess, here's more info: Her name is Rita. Or something like that anyway).
But... yeah, no advice from her. Just a snoring knight. Yeah, that's what I said.
So yeah, that scene was pointless.

And on the beach, we have some palm trees. And... some other jungle plants...
Ooh, and Alec!. Oh wait... wrong movie. Darn, I was so looking forward to seeing a horse that DIDN'T shriek like an elk and wasn't wearing a stuffed cow on its head.
Wake up, Ex-Ranger Girl!. The natives are coming!.
Those are, without a doubt, the whitest jungle natives ever under all that oompa loompa makeup.
The Two Morons watch from a distance. But then they get kidnapped too.
And the three of them were never seen again, because these were cannibalistic natives. If ONLY they'd landed on the other side where the peaceful, hippie natives live.... oh wait, wrong movie.
My bad, sorry.

Time to watch the ship sail in. It REALLY doesn't look very haunted right now.
Red Ranger's got that tracking device again (Alright Rangers, it's time to admit that your leader has an addiction problem. That's the first step towards healing, admit that you have a problem).
Drat, the tracker doesn't work (surprise!. NOTHING WORKS HERE!). A conversation that SHOULD have happened.
Red Ranger: Hey, Green Ranger, go to the island by yourself and see if you can get kidnapped.
Green Ranger: OKAY!. That sounds totally AWESOME!!!.
That's what happened, but not what they said. It's sad, I know.
He goes below deck, opens a magic hatch and drives his van-type zord out.
Yes. It secretly doubles as a boat. Shut up, it makes sense.
He casually drives onto the beach. Maybe nobody will notice him if he goes slowly....

In the salmon, the temper tantrums continue.
And, for no particularly GOOD reason, they fire torpedoes. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Green Ranger makes it to the top of the island and gets out of his van. Hey, it's really high up here!.

On the boat, there is a collective “oh crap, missiles!”.
But it's okay, they can't be detected at all inside the zords. They'll be safe there.

From his view atop the mountain, Green Ranger sees the ship explode. Dang, he's part of a dying race now. What to do, what to do...

Inside the salmon....
YAY!. An explosion!. It's SOOOO pretty!.

Green Ranger: Dang... their dead. Imma go cry now. Oh wait, they're in the zords. They're fine. Okay, I won't cry. I promise. Now I can continue to explore in peace.
He never said anything, but those were the expressions on his face. And then it cut to him crossing a stream while looking WAY too happy.
Now he's climbing a.... whatever that pile of rocks is.
WHERE is he going and WHY?.

And from here we see the great migration of Evil. The leader of the herd is often the brightest colored and also calls loudest and most often. Directly behind is often the tallest and the one to whom the leader shows favor. Behind them is the minion who is highly honored with carrying a favorite pet or object of the herd leader. In the center of the group there can typically be seen at least one prisoner, frequently with his hands tied together either in front or behind. In the rear of the group is the one voted Most Useless by the leader (yeah, I got to watch Lady Evil and her gang walk for awhile and they didn't do anything particularly fun).

Green Ranger uses his special binoculars to watch Lady Evil and her group trek across the only open area in this jungle-type island. Hey, she's still got Larry-Boy!. We're so surprised.
(You know, he's been dying since this whole thing started, you'd think he'd do that eventually)


People In Spandex & Biker Helmets: The Movie part 1

Written on: Sept 7th, 2010

Okay, I've actually seen some Power Rangers in the past. I want you all to know that I thought it was very stupid. But I also found it to be hilarious and original in its stupidity. This did not make me call it “good”. But some series were less fun than others.
This is Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie. An hour and forty minute live action film made in 1997.
Since this is, like, an hour longer than the others I've done, it may be longer. Or I may skip more. It all depends on if anything awesome happens.
As always, there will be spoilers. And this will hopefully prevent you from watching this movie seriously, if not from watching it at all. If you intend to watch this movie seriously (you weird person, you), then you should seriously stop now and go home. But please refrain from diving out of your chair to do so. That would be silly.
Oh yeah, and I will make references to lots of sci-fi/fantasy films. Hopefully all of them will be famous enough for you to recognize. If they aren't.... well I'm sorry.

Our story begins. With some slllloooooowwwwwllllyyyy creeping text that struggles up the screen and some guy trying to talk in a really deep voice.
So there's this guy called Lerigot (but the narrator says it so weirdly that it sounds like Larry-Boy, which is how I shall refer to him from here on because it's more fun and my spell check doesn't reject it) and he's a wizard. And he's got a magic key that does stuff. And he's being chased around by Captain Evil- err Divatox (Botox?. That's what it sounds like). She wants to do evil things. You know, unleash monsters on the world, rule with an iron fist, that sort of thing. But she needs the magic key, naturally. Because she's a pirate and thus has no magic of her own (do pirates do the whole “rule the world” thing?. I wasn't aware of that).
She plans to join with him in a sinister marriage (yes, they said exactly that, I didn't even have to make that up). And, you know, she'll bring some terror to the galaxy. Evil-type stuff.
So Larry-Boy must escape his planet and find some powerful friends. And yes, he is going to earth to find them (why does everyone go there?. I mean, I know there are all sort of fictional heroes there, but, just once, it would be awesome if someone ran to Vulcan or The Vogon Homeworld. Or Alderaan. Maybe Abydos?. Yeah, I'm running out of sci-fi movies. I'll stop now. I had a lot of time to think of these. The text was SO slow. And the narrator guy faking a super-deep voice didn't help any).
And now....
SMASH!. Lightning movie title!. Much less epic than I just made it sound. It just kinda.... sat there and zapped a little bit.

And now, a moment with the stars. Look, stars!. Oh yeah, and that green planet down there (I hope they were intentionally ripping off Star Wars, because this was a very elaborate accident if they weren't).
And.... unfocus..... focus...... ARROWHEAD!. Yeah. The planet turned into an arrowhead. Sorta.
It's all glowy and green. And highly distracting from what is quite probably the silliest looking arrowhead ever. I hope they don't want to hit anything with that. I don't believe it will fly.
And now we pan slowly up the shaft and listen to some evil dude laughing (how do we know he's evil?. It's that evil laugh that ONLY evil people do. Because nobody else is physically capable. Yes, that is how you identify an evil person. If you ever need to, just tell them a joke and see if they laugh maniacally). This evil dude has a very thick glove. I gotta wonder: how is he moving his fingers?. That glove is like... stuffed with cotton. Dude, that arrow will never fly.
The camera cuts to a green tinted tree (I won't write it every time, so I'll just say it now: this entire planet is tinted green. Like the head in the Wizard of Oz green. Yeah, that green).
Mr. Evil makes a comment that informs you that he's gonna kill the wizard... who we assume is that log over there that the camera guy keeps showing us (I again question that weird crossbow thing... it's more like a pistol with a wacky arrow on top and some springs. That arrow will never fly, I'm tellin' ya. It isn't physically possible, like it's impossible for the hero to laugh evilly. It ain't gonna happen).
TWANG!. Oh wait... correction: EXPLOSION!. O.O it flew. And exploded.
And made some horses scream and rear up (where did they come from?). Omigosh, is that a hobbit behind that log!?. Wait, no... it's.... a Ferengi?. Or maybe it's Ms. Piggy?. What IS it!?.
Don't tell me THAT'S the wizard!. That's an Ewok wearing a human mask!.
Oh, about the ponies. Evil guy was on one. And he has a little friend on another pony (so now you know. Horses are aliens. You have been warned).
RUN LITTLE DEFORMED HOBBIT!. Run from the giant horses with stuffed horns on their heads and weird helmet things!. Run for your life!. It's a proven fact that hobbits are faster than horses.
Some guys leap out of the bushes and yell and grunt. What they should be saying “Our silly hats will prevail!. Our hats are much sillier than your face and far more impractical!. We can't even see through these masks!”.
I'm thinkin' Larry-Boy is secretly a Furby.
Run Larry!. Run from the demon horses!. They're making elk noises now!. FLEE!.
Oh look!. A bush. They'll never find you in there. It's not like they're hacking through the bushes over.... oh crap. RUN!. That's right. Into the only open place in this entire green place.
Where the guys on ponies can get you. They're making elk noises again.
Hehe.... anyway.
So one of the guys on ponies shoots at Larry to make him stop running. His arrow lands, like, five feet in front of his horse and explodes. He has got to be the worst shot EVER.
It's not a warning shot when you scare your horse instead of the Dwarf.
Oh no!. He's surrounded!. What ever shall he do?. It's not like he has a magic teleporter in his coat pocket that will transport him instantly to where he needs to go..... oh wait, yes he does.
Why didn't he just use that BEFORE the guys surrounded him and nearly killed him?.
NOW they know he teleported somewhere, instead of just thinking he turned himself into a log.

And now, for some punching bags. Oh, and the guy hitting them. And some guys boxing in an arena.... without any protective gear on. Are they TRYING to kill each other?.
Okay, they're actually doing random martial arts, looking stuff. In a boxing ring. Yeah.
Please note that there are only THREE people in the entire exercise.... place who aren't wearing white. They're wearing black, green and blue respectively. They couldn't be... of course not. Don't be silly.
Random teacher guy is yelling at the one in blue because he can't hit anything. His name is Rocky (Are you thinking what I'm thinking?. That's right: 3 Ninjas :D).

YAY!. School bus!. Wow, half a mile away and we can still hear the yelling children....o.o
No wait.... they're.... they're.... singing.... Row Row Row Your Boat O.o....
Hey look, a teenage girl wearing pink is directing the singing. She's not?. No, definitely not.
“Come on, small sulky child!. Sing with us!.” Okay, that's not what she said. But she should have.
But he doesn't want to sing the same words over and over. GASP!. Something must be WRONG!.
“Hey, kid, tell me all your secrets!.” Wait, that's not what she said either. But it's what she meant.
Hey, a girl WAY too old to be on this bus is back there. She's wearing yellow. No way she could be related to anything in the plot. It's impossible.

Back to the arena. Rocky is a grumpy fellow and wants to do the exact opposite of what coach told him to do. The guy in green doesn't like that idea.
He somehow flies out of the arena and lands on his back. OUCH!. Well, that's what you get for ignoring the guy who has SOME clue what he's doing.
How did you get to be a Power Ranger anyway? (*slap* the audience doesn't know that yet!). Sorry.
I know!. Let's all crowd around his face!. That's a great plan!. It's not like he needs to breath or anything!. Now, everyone breath deeply and yell at him that it'll be alright.
He'll believe you!. Especially if you sound panicked when you yell for help. Not like, call a doctor or anything. It would be IMPOSSIBLE for one of the three people crouching around his head to call a doctor. They all need to stay there and breath on him.... er, I mean... “comfort”. Yeah. That's it.
Hey look!. School children!. Apparently they thought something was cool.
Maybe the song they were singing in the bus?. Or maybe they saw blue guy fall and break himself?.
That was totally sweet and physically impossible too!.
Wow, the paramedics sure got there fast for nobody calling them.
Sulky Kid knows Blue Guy apparently.
But the girl in yellow tells him to stay on the stairs. In front of the horde of other children.
That's safe.
And then she follows Pink Girl in a made dash down the stairs. Didn't their mother ever tell them how stupid that is and how likely it is they will fall and kill themselves?.
That won't help Blue Guy at all!.

Meanwhile, on planet Greenworld....
Camera guy takes us sight-seeing to some of the most devastated regions ever. The buildings are right by the water's edge. I can guess what happened. When the summer rains it... flooding.
Massive flooding. I'm sure Lady Evil.... er Divatox... caused it, somehow.
Bloop!. And underwater we have a giant mechanical salmon. This majestic creature is the last of its kind. It feeds on oil and spare parts which it filters from the water by taking in mouthfuls of water and then filtering it out through tooth-like.... oh. Never mind. I was talking about mechanical whales. Sorry.
Dramatic music!.
Inside the salmon are the guys in silly hats. And a woman throwing a temper tantrum. She's either Lady Evil or her daughter. But, since Lady Evil isn't married, she probably doesn't have a daughter (this movie is for children. Even evil people have to get married before they have kids. It's the law).
That is.... the weirdest leather suit ever. I don't think she's child safe. Especially with that purple bush growing out of her head.... oh wait, that's her hair. She could kill someone with that.
And you KNOW you can't kill somebody in a kids movie. She's not child-safe!.
EEP!. She cut off her right hand-man's right hand!. Oh... it was mechanical. No blood. It's okay.
A big rawry thing caught his hand. He's like... that big monster dog in Return of The Jedi. Except less drooly. For those of you who haven't seen it: think hunch-backed orangy-brown thing with crocodile teeth and beady eyes. Except he's got a Romulan costume. With REALLY high shoulders.
They pass around some bad jokes. And Lady Evil yells at them. And she has a plan and a pet eel.
I'm serious. It's name is Eely. And it sounds like a sickly parrot.

Back on Earth....
Omigosh!. The meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs just crashed to Earth!!!!....EXPLOSION!. Oh wait, it's just Larry. There was an explosion though.
He's a few million years too late to wipe out the dinosaurs. But maybe he can attract Lady Evil to Earth and wipe out the surviving species. That's an excellent plan.
He scared some giraffes and a couple of kudu. Why does everything start in Africa?.
Why couldn't it start in New Zealand or Tasmania?. You know, some place like that?. Ooh or Greenland!. I mean... he came from Greenworld, why not go to Greenland? (*slap* that was a horrible joke). Sorry (well... just don't do it again).
ACK!. He landed in a nest of mutant birds!. EW!. EW!. Get 'em off!. Get 'em off!. No, don't PET them!. They're NOT cute!. They're demonic!. They want to eat your brain! (assuming you have one).
SEE!?. They're pecking you!. They want to eat you!. Wait.... did you just go 'thunk'?. What are you made of?. Rocks?. Ew. And if you're made of rocks, how is that tree branch supporting your weight?.
Ah well, I guess that answers the brain question anyway.
That's right, fall out of the tree. Away from the demon birds. Hey, maybe you can find a hungry lion to direct you to America, where you ACTUALLY need to be (I'm sorry, but that's where the Power Rangers LIVE).
RUN AWAY!. The demon birds can see you!.
Hey look!. A lion!. Ask him where to find America!. Quick before he eats you!.
Or you could just use the Force to make him think you're not the meal he's looking for. That works too.

Aye yi yi!. It's the little robot that says that a lot, Zordon!. Quick, save Larry-Boy!. He's the only one who can make it shut up!. Okay, actually, the robot just fills him in on... basically what we already know. It's for those people with short term memory loss. It's an actual problem.
He's such a considerate robot.
Yep. And Zordon states the obvious. Find the Rangers and tell them to go help Larry-Boy. Because apparently Earth is a very unhealthy place to be when you're a mangled Furby. Probably because it was Earth children who mangled you in the first place. Actually.... I JUST realized what he looks like.
One of those Trollz dolls. Except with a beard.

Meanwhile, at the hospital.
Sulky Kid goes to see Blue Guy. But Blue Guy is sleeping and then he hears people coming and dives under the bed. Because that's what you do. I guess he wasn't supposed to be in there?.
Yep. It's Pink Girl, Yellow Girl, Green Guy and Black Guy (or is it red guy now?. He's wearing a black shirt, but a red jacket.... stupid guy!. Stop confusing the children!).
They talk about depressing things. Like a contest they can't win now (???. What contest?.).
Under the bed, Sulky Kid is getting ideas (by the way, his name is Justin, for those of you who wanted to know. So far we haven't heard any of the other main characters names. Maybe they're not important?. Or maybe we're eliminating Blue Guy so Justin can take his place as.... Tiny Ranger!. Sorry, but he's like... eight at most. Which makes him WAY shorter than the other people).
Hey, Power Rangers tune!. It's somebody's phone....or his watch anyway.
Go, go Power Rangers! (shut up you stupid song. Don't you DARE get stuck in my head).
They want to stay with Blue Ranger (it's okay, you know they're Power Rangers now). But he tells 'em to get lost. I don't think he likes them. Or maybe he's planning something dumb.
And, in case the watch wasn't proof enough, Sulky Kid gets to watch them sparkle away.
Yeah, I think this whole scene was so Sulky Kid could find out they're Power Rangers and tell the world.... or maybe keep the secret forever. Whichever.
Whoa.....his eyes got REALLY huge. Like... Anime huge!.
And then he bonks his head on the bed. Blue Guy is not deaf.
“You guys are the Power Rangers?” Yeah, Sulky Kid... like they'd be anything else. Didn't you notice the colors they wear?. Or that the pink and yellow wearing ones are the girls... like the Power Rangers?.
Or that they ACT like the Power Rangers?. By the way, how is Sulky Kid related to Blue Guy?.
Are they cousins?. Brothers?. Best friends?. What?. TELL ME!.

Meanwhile, Zordon tells the Power Rangers... exactly what we ALREADY know.
Yeah. It's important. Kids have to hear things over and over or they forget. Or maybe they just like the Zordon voice?. I don't know.
HEY!. I've got the best idea EVER!. Since we've already got a Ranger down, let's split up!. Two of us will stay behind and two of us will go!.
QUICK!. Before Larry-Boy melts in the sun's rays (he's like... the reverse of Superman).
So yeah... the dude who was wearing black earlier?. He's Red Ranger (but Black Ranger is the most awesomest one *pouts*. Because he's wearing BLACK, which is the least silly color when you're trying to look cool in spandex. Then again, we're talkin' SPANDEX).
ZAP!. To Africa with us!. Yes, just us two. It's not like we get defeated every single time we split up or anything (okay, I admit, that might not always be true, but it has been with every episode I've watched).

So Larry-Boy is trekking through the jungle when he meets a chimp. It's not a very nice chimp. It throws rocks at him (better than poo. Can you imagine trying to get that out of the Trollz fluff he's got on his head?). Oh no!. He's being surrounded by chimps!. They're going to take him to see King Louie and force him to teach them to make fire!. Or... maybe they'll just look at him funny and dance.
I love how the chimps are nicer than the baby birds.

Back inside the salmon....
“Rawr!. I have GIANT glowing eyes!. Or maybe I just found Larry-Boy”. Okay, he didn't say that.
Yep, they found out that Larry is on Earth. Sounds like a fun place to visit.
Maybe Lady Evil can work on her tan. You don't get much sun inside a giant mechanical fish.
Okay... apparently she doesn't want to marry the Trollz Doll (neither would I) to get his power. She wants to steal his key so she can unlock the magic dungeon universe and free her super-evil fiance.
Sounds like a party. They should totally do that.
I just realized that she only has a half mask. Yeah. Over one side the top half of her face.
It's awesome. Or pointless. Or awesomely pointless :D.

Okay, forgive my.... weirdness.... but... that outfit does not properly contain her boobs. They keep bouncing. A LOT. It's very distracting. Especially when they do a close up on the lower half of her face so you can see her and her right-hand man in a close up together (he's short... about boob level. Maybe that's why he's not paying attention). I'm sorry. I'll stop giving you these mental images now....

After much pointless bickering, they teleport the salmon to Earth (it seems everyone has a teleporter on Greenworld. It's probably standard issue. I SO want to live on Greenworld. Well, long enough to get one of those. Then I'm totally teleporting back to Earth. I mean, these idiots build their cities on the water line. Which means that every time it rains, the flooding is up to the ceiling. Then the roof starts leaking. Major mold and rust issues. And some algae. Ew, no wonder the world is green.

Hey look!. A baseball game!. Because that's totally related.
YAY!. Crazed fans!. Including a random policeman! (okay, yes, policemen probably watch sports. And yes, they're usually at games while on duty to keep a riot from starting. But no, not usually at the same time. That guy should totally be fired for not doing his job. Just sayin').
Or maybe the hotdog stealing policemen. They should be fired too.
Or maybe they should just fire every single policeman at this game. And any policewomen they find too. On the grounds that they were probably being stupid too.
Captain Policeguy hates to repeat himself. He hates to repeat himself.
Okay, apparently they're SUPPOSED to be fail policemen. Not JUST policemen. I feel better now.
I also admit that the scene was kinda funny and unexpected. So yeah... I it's hard to make fun of something that was already funny. Moving on.

HEY!. VULTURES!. YAY!. Vultures!. No, literally, vultures.
And here we are, trekking through the jungle in our impractical clothing (why didn't they turn into Power Rangers?. Wouldn't that be more protective against.... you know, horribly diseased mosquitoes?).
Pink Ranger has an Australian accent all of a sudden. She didn't have that before o.o.

And with Zordon, Yellow Ranger has spotted a flying fish in the sky. Whatever she's been smoking, she needs to quit. Oh wait... there IS a giant fish in the sky.
Let us worry about the people we sent into the jungle alone. And without any spandex on.

Now, back to our Failmen. They're in the dark. Mumbling about how everyone hates them.
Probably because they're morons. And now they're arguing about whether to go left or right.
Ooh, flashing light!. Drive away, drive away!. SMASH INTO BUILDING!. SCREAM LIKE GIRLS!. Oh wait... not that last bit. Scream like manly fail people. Similar.
Some stupid stuff happens which I would rather not discuss because it wasn't funny and there's no way to make it funny. And then they get abducted by aliens (what?. It's TRUE).

Meanwhile, at a peaceful waterfall....
Red Ranger and Pink Ranger are still following the signal towards Larry-Boy.
Pink Ranger is thirsty, so she drinks out of the most ridiculously small container of water in the history of the known universe. It was like.... a thimble full of water.
Maybe the magic packs they're carrying shrunk the water, so there's actually more water in there than it seems like?. I dunno, but I could drink the entire container and still die of thirst, I'm pretty sure.
And, by the way, Pink Ranger's accent is gone again. She complains about the sun for awhile (Lady, you're in a jungle, completely shaded by trees. WHY are you complaining about the sun?. Heat, yes. But sun?. You're in the shade!).
Somehow, she sits down next the largest, creepiest python EVER. She leaps away and falls off a cliff. But it's okay, she grabbed a handy dandy tree root (Tree: OW!!!. Why do people always DO that to me!?. Why can't they just grab a rock?. Or better yet, fall to their death!. Me: Shut up, this is a kids movie. No death allowed). She screams for Red Ranger (His name is Tommy. Her name is Kat. Green Ranger is Adam. We know these things now). But he's busy being attacked by a giant (and rather sleepy looking) python.
So she has to save herself. As the tree root breaks dramatically (Tree: OOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!. OWOWOWOW!!!!. OH WHY!?. WWWHHHHYYYY!!!!????), she turns Ranger and plunges to her watery.... oh wait, she's alive. No watery grave.
Meanwhile, Red Ranger is still being attacked by the tremendous, but half asleep, snake.
He escapes and does an excellent nose dive off the cliff.
With epic music, he falls and rescues Pink Ranger. Who apparently can't swim. And is no longer in her spandex (secret Ranger weakness: uniforms are not water resistant).
Epic rescue time!.

Meanwhile, in the dark.... wherever this place is...
The salmon has landed. Like a stork, but less delivering of elephants and more delivering of evil.
Apparently, they kidnapped the two policemen because they needed two humans with purity and strength. Purity from what exactly, we have no idea. But strong?. They're definitely strong. In stupid.
The stupid is strong within them. And I don't think the brain scrambling really did anything to them.
Lady Evil is not satisfied. She wants SMART people. Like.... the two Rangers wandering in the forest maybe?. Hmmm.... nah, they'll never find Red Ranger and Pink Ranger. Impossible.
However, speaking of Rangers....

In the jungle, Pink Ranger limps along with Red Ranger. They're still following the stupid tracking device (how did he keep hold of that thing during the wild river rescue?. Is it like, glued to his hand?).
Her accent is back. Somehow, they're still going the right way. But Larry is dying from sun exposure.
Pink Ranger plays Captain Obvious for the scene and says “we've got to hurry”. I think for the express purpose of using that accent that keeps doing the disappearing act.

Meanwhile, the chimps are still leading Larry around. Maybe they're taking him to meet Tarzan?.
BOO!. Rangers for you! (how did the chimps know he needed to find the Rangers?. How did they even know the Rangers were there?. I mean, since they did, the reason is obvious. They want that freakin' life-size Trollz Doll outta their jungle. It's scaring their children!).
Larry talks at them. He sounds like a gargling cat. EW!. KILL IT!.
Larry does the magic healing thing to injured Pink Ranger with sparkles (really, everything good sparkles in this movie, so I shouldn't have to say it. Evil explodes).
Now we can teleport back home. The chimps are ecstatic (Chimps: YAY!. FINALLY!. Get that creepy thing out of our jungle!. It's uglier than the demonic birds that live in our trees!).

In the middle of the water....
Lady Evil is doing really crazy spinning with the periscope (can you say “creepy”?).
Hey look!. Two people in a life-raft!. I bet they're smarter than the policeguys! (then WHY are they stranded in the ocean). Shut up and stop ruining my glee (sorry).
Oh wait, they're divers. Whatever. They're looking for the legendary and elusive mechanical salmon which they've heard from local fisherman feeds in these waters on oil spills and toxic waste.
Or, maybe they're looking for sunken ships, I don't know.
It doesn't matter, since they get kidnapped anyway.
Ew, she's going to feed them to her fiance (what is he, a man-eating tiger?). That's so gross. And totally not child-friendly.
The right-hand man opens a trap door and there's an ominous 'thunk' noise.
There, now that we have human dinners, we can go get the Trollz Doll with the Magic Key that opens the Cage to unleash the Man-Eating Tiger from his cage.
To lure him, they have a creepy female Trollz Doll with a baby Ewok in her arms (I'm serious. The thing looked EXACTLY like the baby Ewok in Return of The Jedi).
Apparently, Trollz Dolls are telepathic (that's it, I'm going to get a tin foil hat. I do NOT want those things reading my mind!. While I'm at it, I think I'll put some sunlight in a bottle and keep it on my window sill to ward them off.... okay, that actually only warded off evil spirits, but what else do you think these things are?).

Fortunately, Larry-Boy is in a coma. Which means he won't be speaking or come chasing after his wife, thus running right into a trap.
Drat. He still received the signal. And, apparently, we can watch it on TV.
He's goin' into a seizure. Well, I would too if I had to look at Lady Evil in THAT getup.
I'd also do that if I was told I was married to a Trollz Doll and had an Ewok baby.
Apparently, the two divers she kidnapped are Ex-Power Rangers (how the heck did she know that?. How could she TELL?. Is she psychic?. Creepy).
Oh great, Larry's gargling again. Somebody drown him.

The Ex-Rangers look around their watery prison. And state the obvious. They're in trouble. And have been kidnapped by an evil person.
And then they meet the stupid guys who were also kidnapped.
And I just now realized that the stupid guys are the bullies who were hanging out since the pilot of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (I haz an education :D). And they're talking in weird accents.
Apparently, getting your mind scrambled gives you crazy accents.
More stating of the obvious.

Back to.... Ranger Headquarters?. Where IS this place?. What's it called again?.
Larry and the Aye Yi Yi (Alpha, if I recall) are chittering at each other.
Zordon spews some technobabble at the Rangers. Basically, Lady Evil wants to use the key to go to another dimension so she can unleash great evil (His name's Maligore :D). Was that so hard?.
And guess what?. When you unleash ultimate evil, nothing will be safe.
Now, for some obviousness.
And then Larry prepares to surrender. But we can't let him do that!. Can we?.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Superman vs A Really Angry Porcupine

Written on: September 19th, 2010

So I was bored one evening and decided I wanted to do another movie recap-ish thing. And what better than another random comic-book movie most people have never been cursed to hear of?.
Superman Doomsday is an hour and a half animated feature made in 2007. It is officially rated PG-13, more or less.
Again, if you don't like spoilers or intend to watch this movie seriously, stop here. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy reading a lot of nonsense.
Please note that I'm not really all that fond of Superman and am thus inclined to.... not hide it.

Our story opens with shiny blue. Which eventually begins to form letters. You might assume WB, for Warner Brothers. No. WP. Warner Premier. Which I have NEVER heard of. Anyway.

Our story actually begins with a still-image of a very gaunt (in the face, not the body) looking Superman, holding two thugs up by.... their pants?. Their belts?. Their underwear?. What IS he holding?. The thugs look appropriately frightened by being held in the air by the behind-your-back-place. Maybe the bad drawing of Superman's face is the artist's fault. All thugs are masked so you don't have to deal with the horror of their hideous faces.
After taking several seconds to study this picture, the first dialogue is said “just look at him”.
Which I have been doing for about five seconds before any word was spoken.
We get a lovely slideshow of Superman doing Superman-ish things. And that dude voice sounds like it has a crush on him. Not sure if the “so sleek” was related to Superman or the plane he was holding at the time. I'll get back to you.
Yep, this is the villain. They're talkin' 'bout how Superman is god-like and thus all the pitiful humans should worship him appropriately (what do you care, scary villain voice?. You're just gonna try to kill him later. Who cares if the peasants are worshiping him beforehand?).
He makes some thinly veiled threats to Superman's image and we see him. Yep, dark-skinned baldy, must be evil. It's the law of cartooning. Only... his mouth ain't movin' while he talks. Telepathy?. That seems a bit over-kill to speak to the image of our really horribly drawn super-hero. He seriously looks like someone pulled a tooth and his mouth REALLY hurts, but he has to pretend to smile.

DUN-DUN! (seriously, that's what happens next. DUN-DUN!). Opening credits time!.
Look, some random CGI clouds :D.
Guess what?. DC was involved. And so were some other people. Good fer them.
The credits go on for some time, with vaguely Superman-theme sounding epic music. I can't make too much fun, since the theme was pretty awesome. Still, the credits were a touch long.
Seriously, you could write down a name before the credits turned to another one.
And the background is pretty much zooming over some clouds, coming towards earth, an explosion, zooming over clouds at night.... etc.
And then we see.... The City. Except at first we think it's a really big close up of an Oreo (seriously, it looks like an Oreo. A giant Oreo). And then we zoom in and assume we're either in Gotham City or Metropolis looks exactly like Gotham City. More credits.

The credits finally end and we get to listen to some horn-honking and watch random white things (birds?) flapping over the buildings.
And zoom into the Daily Planet where we meet Lois Lane and the Chief arguing about whether or not to write about some charity. Which is apparently run by Lex Luthor (who is Superman's major enemy guy. Well, one of them anyway). But we don't care, because we're wondering about Lane's lip-stick (where did she get that weird shade of pink?. Krypton?. It's SO weird). We also ponder the shade of her skin (is she supposed to look Mexican?. Or what?. That's too dark for white... but.... what on earth?. Or is she the Kryptonian and Superman's from earth?). And then we wonder what idiot decided her red shirt went with her skin tone and lip-stick. Isn't she supposed to be remotely fashion-conscious?.
Oh right, the charity. Yes, says Lane. No, says Chief. But I want to. No. Please?. Definitely not.
Okay, okay, that's not what they said. Basically, but they used much bigger words. Like philanthropy.

We zoom out to see this weird kid with bright orange hair listening outside the door. He looks like a janitor, but I'm pretty sure it's just Jimmy.
The yelling gets louder and scares Janitor-Kid away. Lane comes out and her hair is no longer brown. It's black now. And her lip-stick is red. She and Chief yell at each other for a bit while we ponder whether or not his tie and her blouse are exactly the same color.
Then Chief talks to Kent and he makes a vague comment that pretty much screams “hey look, Superman”. Then again, who else would he be with a face like that?. I mean seriously: WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?. And why is his jacket the same color as his skin?.
They make some lame jokes, the Clark talks to Jimmy, who is about half as tall (his nose was about even with Clark's waist). He can't be THAT short, since Lane and Chief were right next to him a bit ago and he was only a tiny bit shorter.
Even with a better disguise, I'm afraid Superman would still stand out. He's way too tall and weirdly proportioned not to be noticed.
Oh look, a picture of an old lady was hiding behind his suitcase. He picks it up, smiles at it, puts it down and pokes the spacebar on his computer (to turn it off apparently). And then he leaves and we wonder how he manages to sit in his desk chair. He is much too huge. And it is much to small, maybe even too small for midget Jimmy.
Lane is throwing a temper tantrum at her desk, but Clark decides to say goodbye anyway. She calls him names and ignores him. And for some strange reason he's surprised.

And here we cut to... middle of nowhere. It looks like the Grand Canyon. And there's some random dude in an army getup just starin' out into the dark. He's at the edge of the cliff-like place. He's staring, staring, staring.... ah... the sound of... robins?. At night?. Near the Grand Canyon?. Ah well, it's peaceful. He uses his binoculars to peer around and the camera swings over. Oh look, more guys. They seem to be stealing something.... from the middle of nowhere (please don't take our rocks away!. We love them so!. Their natural beauty inspires us!). Zoom!. Down a tunnel. Ooh, explosion. Pwetty fire!.
Yes, these rocks are on fire!. Awesome!. Aww, it went out. And behind it... a pile of rubble that a random work vehicle comes and scoops up. And then they fire a laser at what's left. But we decide to follow a random vehicle that looks like it should be hauling toxic waste.
Apparently Superman can't see two miles below the earth's surface. Good for him. But why do we CARE?. We're drilling rocks in the middle of nowhere. Are we mining for gold?. Or drilling beneath the city?. Or maybe we're just building a cave to live in. Why would Superman care what they're doing right now?.
Apparently the cave is very hot. Because they are digging for radiation. That's kinda special.
BOOM!. Oh look!. We just uncovered this weird... (it looks like a space ship, but don't tell anybody).

And now, back to the city. Baldy is starin' out his window at the city. Ah, I can see my reflection, how nice... Apparently Baldy is Luthor. And his staring out the window is too important for whatever his secretary might want to say. Instead he wants her to take this block of random wires to somebody. Because it's important. Apparently Luthor wants to help with medical stuff.... really, really slowly. How very... evil of him. Mwahaha?. Great, his secretary is named “Mercy”. How nice.
Apparently she came to tell him that... Project Applecore found stuff. Yes, Applecore. Because that sounds like a project everyone should be working on.
To the arctic!.

Superman is in an icy cave, messing around with some frozen statues and weird gizmos.
He is apparently searching for the cure for cancer. Because he has nothing better to do. He uses some more big words, as the people in this film like to do and talks to his robot friend.
Then Lane shows up, apparently having taken a shower. What shower?. There's a shower in this ice cave?. How weird. She and Superman exchange random verbal vaguely veiled inappropriateness.
And then they kiss for a REALLY long time. And the robot just sort of stands there, with one of the two towels Lane had. Fortunately, she's using the other one.

RANDOM USELESS EXPLOSION!. BOOM!. We're back in the cave. And we get to follow this really slow vehicle-type thingamajig. Yep. That thing we found?. It's a space craft. Because if we said “ship”, people would think we were crazy. Oh wait, they already do.
Now if we just carefully laser away the rocks.... OOPS, we hit the ship. It's smoking and making an angry growl sound now. Should it be doing that?. I think we made it mad.
And suddenly everything is all dark and red. And a big angry thing smashes through the craft. Yep, it's spiky, growling and has beady red eyes. It's mad. Really mad.
It spends several minutes smashing random people and toppling vehicles and roaring angrily. Then it eats out camera man. Mmmm delicious!.

And now Luthor realizes. Hmmm, maybe that thing was locked away for a reason.
This is a lesson everyone should learn: Do not open creepy things in dark caves in the middle of nowhere that are buried “before the dinosaurs time”. They are invariably horrible, evil, unkillable things that want to either take over the world or kill everybody. Preferably both.

Our spiky friend has found himself some huge trousers (which is good... I don't WANT to know). And some more random people to smash. And... OOH LOOK A DEER!. That's like, totally the most distracting thing ever!. I think I'll stare at it for several seconds. Aww... it's running away.
ROAR!. This angers me!. I'll chase it!. Okay, Spike never said anything except “grr.... rr.... grrarr.... ROAR!”.
He chases deer. And catches. And rips it's head off (but in a way that we don't actually see). To demonstrate.... what exactly?. He's twice as big as Superman (assuming all the worker folk were the same height as the Daily Planet folk). At that size, catching a deer and ripping its head off isn't terrible... scary. It's just sort of normal. When you're huge and have giant spikes growing out of your chest. And no, he's not going to eat it. He's just gonna leave it there.

Back at the ice cave, Superman and Lane are sitting on a block of ice, talking about romance related stuff. Fortunately, they are wearing matching robes (seriously, where is this stuff coming from?. Is he flying off to get it whenever he feels like it?).
And she suspects that Superman and Clark may be the same person. Meh, no surprise there.

And now to a cabin in.... next to a neighborhood. And a barking dog. WOOF!. WOOF!. YIPE!.
And random guy in cabin runs out, in his nightclothes.... with nothing to protect himself. His guard dog went nuts and then yelped that death yelp that dogs do only in film. That's smart.
AAHHH!!!!!!!. Big angry thing!. EEP!. GAK!. The end.

Luthor is worried about all the dead people. Mostly because he thinks people will trace it to him. And his illegal digging in the middle of nowhere in search of radiation. Mercy assures him nothing will be traced back to him. Yeah, sure, that's likely.

Superman and Lane have a fight. Well... Lane has a temper tantrum. Superman just sort of stands there.
Robot tries to be helpful, but it's really a moron and can't help at all.

Here comes Spiky, trudging through some forest, knockin' down some trees. Not because they're in his way, because (we assume) they offend him. I question now whether he can open that mouth of his. If he can, he's got some really nasty sharp fangs. But he hasn't AT ALL yet, not even when growling.
Oh look, a semi-truck. I hate it. I want to smash it!. YAY!.
And it's little wonder, with whatever that horrible song is playing on the radio. Some truck smashing, driver screams, that sort of thing. Mmmmm, fire. Well that was fun. I want something else to smash.
Ooh look!. A city!. Yep, a huge city surrounded by wilderness on all sides. Sounds like a great place to smash some stuff!.

Lane is still sulking. But Superman doesn't know how to sulk or be mad. So he kisses her instead.
And starts to tell her who he is. But Robot distracts him. Because it is a “matter of terrific urgency”.
I get the feeling that the people who made this film just flipped through a dictionary and picked words at complete and total random (Ah, that one sounds nice and important. And ooh look, it's over fifteen letters!). Robot complexly explains that Spiky is the product of a random alien civilization who wanted to create a super-soldier. Unfortunately, Spiky is too dumb to tell friend from foe and thus goes around smashing everything. Supposedly everything living, but it likes to smash buildings and trucks too.

And now the army has been called in to try and kill Spiky. I'm thinkin' this giant spike-monster who is smashing random vehicles and walking around in the flames is not gonna care that much about some bullets and grenades. Maybe I'm wrong.....
Nope, not wrong. It just makes him mad. More people smashing. Spiky now magically has boots.
Superman is coming for Spiky now. Lane stays on a random rooftop and calls Jimmy to meet her “here” now. How is he supposed to know where “here” is?. Is he psychic?.
Ooh, they have tanks now. That shoot FIRE. Because that's been so effective.
Spiky punches the fire. Yes, that's what I said. More guys shoot at him ineffectively. He smashes them.
And then throws a tank at some other army guys. He picks up another tank, only to have some missiles shot at him. Which, oddly enough, makes him more angry. He throws the tank at the guys with missile launchers. Dey go squish.
Then he throws another tank, but Superman has finally arrived and catches it. He puts it down and blows at Spiky. Spiky just gets mad and charges him. But then he finally turns into an ice block.
For about two seconds. Then he tries to smash Superman. Who urghs for awhile, but finally pushes him away. Spiky is infuriated and roars, opening his mouth for the very first time. And then he swings at Superman, misses but hits the tank and sends it spinning off into a building. Superman completes his elaborate dodge, then hops over and hits Spiky. Which just makes it angry. It grabs his hand at the third punch and commences with the creaking noises (one of them needs oiling. I'm betting on Superman).
He then punches Superman, who kinda roll/flips across the street. Spiky jumps and Superman flies to meet him. They crash around and blow some stuff up. Then Spiky launches Superman into a tall building. Ouch. Oh look, hi people inside the building!. Sorry for smashing into your wall.

Lane has stolen a helicopter and frightens Jimmy with her poor flying skills.
Spiky and Superman punch each other some more. Desperate dramatic fighting music.
More bad flying. More stuff explodes.
Lane and Jimmy arrive in time to watch Spiky grab Superman, turn him upside down and smash his head into the asphalt. Ouch. Dat hurt. Spiky smashes Superman into a few more buildings, then punches him through a wall. More ouch. Dat hurted more. And then Spiky tromps on him for awhile.
Above, Jimmy takes photos and tries not to fall out of the helicopter.
He gets distracted. When he looks back, Spiky is gone, just Superman in a hole in the road now.
ACK!. Spiky got closer!. He doesn't want his picture took!. He leaps several hundred feet in the air, grabs the chopper and starts to climb in. Jimmy and Lane both scream like girls.
Superman hears them and comes to the rescue. The side of the copter gets too heavy and it kinda tilts. Superman falls off, then Jimmy kicks loose the bit our giant spiky friend was holding on to.
He and Lane watch the pair fall..... and fall.... falling.... still falling..... crash!. Oof. Ow.
Our spiky buddy hops right back up, Superman not far behind. This time, Spiky has clamped onto the base of the copter. Superman tries to haul him off, ripping out the belly of the copter.
I can't wait for them to explain this to their insurance agent.
Spiky is still hangin' onto one side of the landing gear. Superman lasers that off and they fall. Again.
I'm asking you: how does he expect Lane and Jimmy to get back to the ground?. HOW?!.
Superman carries Spiky far enough to drop him into a huge (unoccupied?) building, then heads back up to the helicopter. But we get to watch Spiky as he falls down twenty stories.
As the building caves, Superman helps the chopper down.... right next to the building. Sure, that's safe.

Spiky smashes his way out of the rubble. Have we ever considered.... talking to him?. Maybe he'd.... wait, nevermind. That definitely wouldn't work. I'm not even sure Spiky's smart enough to talk.
Spiky is no worse for wear, but he's drooling now. Eewwww....
He charges, Superman flies towards him. When their fists (arguable in Spiky's case) collide, the camera is blinded by light (what?. Where the heck is THAT from?).
Both are thrown back to their starting points by the force, but are uninjured. They charge again.
This time the camera isn't blinded and we get to watch them punch each other some more.
At some point, Superman back flips over Spiky, grabs the inside of his mouth (EW!. That's gross!. Even if he can't catch any viruses....) and tosses him WWAAAAAYYYYY down the street. BOOM!.
Boom?. Explosive?. Where?.
Spiky smashes through a building, Superman follows.
And Luthor watches from his nearby tower, apparently not in the least worried that maybe they'll smash through his tower next.
Superman smashes Spiky into an electrical... monstrosity of cables. ZAP!. But.... Spiky's still fine.
He grabs Superman by the neck and charges through some explosives and back up the street, heading for where they started (as a side note, he looks like an excited girl, running to show mommy her new doll. Sorry, but it's true “Mommy, Mommy!. Look!. I got a Superman doll!. See!?). And then he smashes Superman into an intersection. Yes.... an entire intersection. It was... special. They break through to a subway. And throw each other around down there.
AUGH!. SUBWAY TRAIN!. Spiky has always dreamed of crushing his very own train and is completely distracted from Superman. Superman pants for a bit, then flies after him. He knocks Spiky away from the train. They fight some more.

Above ground, stupid people are gathering around the giant hole in the intersection, which is now a sidewalk (shut up, it doesn't need explaining). They are attracted by the irresistible sight of smoke and sound of large, powerful things smashing each other through concrete. Sure, they're safe up here.
Never mind that one can fly and the other can jump high enough that flying is no longer an issue.
Behind them, Spiky has just punched Superman through the ceiling. He crashes into a building and lands on the ground. Oof. Spiky jumps out after him.
But look!. Terrified idiots!. He's always wanted those!. He runs after all the stupid, screaming fools.
But.... guess what?. Superman AGAIN stops him (you know, sometimes Superman comics have good ideas, but then they KEEP going. I mean, it's all well and good that Superman will sacrifice himself for other people, but they've done this EXACT thing like... five times now. In as many minutes).
True to form, Lane and Jimmy aren't running. They're taking pictures.
More Spiky and Superman hitting each other around the city. But Superman is very tired, he'd rather be napping. In the arctic. Spiky doesn't seem tired. He's just drooling more (EW!. That's gross!. Stop it right now!. Ew!).

And now for an old woman, watching someone report the battle on the news. She looks sad. Who IS she supposed to be?.
And now back to Spiky vs. Superman.

There is more hitting, punching, kicking, throwing and smashing, but it's mostly Spiky now.
EW, Superman just squirted blood from his mouth. That's gross. Spiky picks up Superman to punch him some more, but there's a random stupid kid wandering through the rubble.
Instead of “let's finish the guy in tights and THEN kill the girl” he decides to do the stupid thing.
Yep, go for the girl. Guess what happens next?.
Yep, you got it. Another Super rescue. Superman flies himself and Spiky into the air. WAAAAYYY into the air. But then he passes out or Spiky is too heavy or something because they fall back to earth.
Wildly desperate dramatic music plays as they kick and punch each other back into the atmosphere.
HUGE EXPLOSION!. Which topples a few.... a lot of buildings.
Deep, deep down in a crater, we finally spot Spiky, who was on top of Superman when we last saw them. He's smoking. And his eyes go out. The glowing red eyes. Yeah.
Lane and Jimmy run towards the crater like the morons they are.
And there's a flag.... no, a cape attached to a stick. It flips around, then blows away.
Was that stick....O.o
Oh, no... he's still alive, kinda stumblin' out of the smoke. Oops, he fell down.
Sad music. She talks to him. And then..... I don't believe it. He.... he.... he.... DIED.
YAY!. WHEEEE!!!.... oh, erm...*cough cough* WAAAHHHHH!!!!!.
Everybody cries. Including the old lady watching TV.
Well.... not everybody. The Robot doesn't cry. It just sits down and sulks in its ice chair.

FUNERAL TIME!. Some bald guy says said stuff as the camera pans over all the people of the city standing in the streets and looking... more confused than sad.
Okay, skipping time.

More sadness. Suspicion of Luthor's guilt. Somebody wants to hire Jimmy because he kept taking pictures. More sadness by the peasants. Lane finally discovers that Clark is Superman. Good fer her.
More using giant words. A bunch of people thieving things. Jimmy quits. Luthor plots stuff. Lane has a new sidekick, who is a coward. Lane does human heroics to randomly save people.

All this violence has a horrible (I mean miraculous) effect on our recently buried Superman.
He starts busting out of his grave... like a horrible brain eating zombie!. Or maybe just like.. Superman.
Either way, it's bad news...ahm.... I mean... that's nice... haha, yeah.
Just as the giant pink robot spider shoves the school bus off a bridge, Superman rescues the two occupants, Lane and a small ugly child with a cute teddy bear (yes, that's EXACTLY what happened).
He goes and stops the villain with the spider with relative ease.
He was dead all of eight minutes. Too bad. Sorry.

So he flies through the air with Lane that evening, trying to explain (with big huge random words) how he's alive. Basically comes to... he has no idea. And he doesn't feel like kissing her (I'm thinking either Spiky got a really crazy makeover or this dude's a clone).
Yep, Clark still hasn't returned. How sad.

Superman goes to visit Luthor, wanders into a kryptonite room and lets Luthor beat him senseless.
Just to get back in the swing of things I guess.
Oh, it's a clone. Which does what Luthor tells it to. Like get beaten up.
He has the real Superman, who doesn't seem all that lively.
He talks for awhile, using big words to explain that he's a crazed phsycopath and wanted to kill Superman himself, but when he couldn't he created a clone which has strength and morals, but no brains and thus does whatever Luthor tells it to.

Lane stares randomly at the new guy, who seems to have replaced Clark.
She and Clark's mother have a telephone conversation about not seeing Clark. At all.
In the next scene, Lane has located Jimmy. She grabs him by the earring (yes he has one, don't ask why) and drags him around the corner.
She tries to convince Jimmy to help her figure out what's up with Superman and his sudden affection for Luthor. But Jimmy doesn't want to. He'd rather go back to the club he was photographing and listen to the mind-numbing thump noise it's making every few seconds.

Luthor returns from.... I dunno, a joyful skip through the park?.... to find Superman gone. He checks the film log. But there's a random blackout. So.... who stole his Superman?. It was his favorite one!.
Even though it was dead.

Robot has theived Superman and put him in a vat of probably really cold water.

Our Superclone is out watching the news and discovers that a villain has killed a child.
Angry, he flies away to do who knows what.

Meanwhile, at the ice cave....
Superman has just discovered something very interesting. He's not dead. And his doctor is Robot.
Robot explains everything going on currently in about twenty words. So I type too much, big deal.

Superclone kidnaps the villain from the police and flies him high into the air. And then drops him.
It appears Superclone has his own view on the value of life. A more effective view.

Lane is shocked when she gets the call and runs to the scene. Which is rather messy. She sees Jimmy taking pictures and glares at him... probably because he was on the wrong side of the crime scene. Or maybe it was because of his hideous pink shirt which has replaced his janitor outfit.
In the morning, Superclone is interviewed and everybody is shocked by his bad behavior.
And that evening, Superclone rescues a cat and makes vieled threats towards the old woman who owns the cat for letting it outside.
Police stop by to arrest him, but he lasers their weapons, then walks away.
Superclone isn't very nice. And doesn't follow the law. Good for Superclone.... I mean.... bad clone. BAD clone. Umm.... haha?.

At the ice cave, Superman continues to heal. Good fer him.
Luthor grumbles at Superclone for not minding his manners, then tells him to go fetch the body.... which isn't so very dead anymore.
But Superclone is in a bad mood and would rather get his hair done.
Well, actually he uses the mirror to drill some lead covered kryptonite out of his brain (shut up, it makes sense.... or not).
Lane goes after Luthor, trying to get at the truth about what Luthor did.
Luthor would rather make out with her. But Lane sticks him with a needle and knocks him out.
Then she messes around in his files and plays on his computer.

Superman is beginning to feel like himself again.

Meanwhile, Jimmy has joined up with Lane and is back in his janitor outfit.
They break into Luthor's “highly” secure facility.... to find a bunch of vats with little blobs of goo in them. A lot of Superclones. They get so distracted that they forget that Luthor might wake up.
And he does. And goes on a villain rant about how the clones are his and Lane and Jimmy are about to die, cheerful stuff like that.
But Superclone I has returned. And he's a little ticked about the whole “kryptonite in brain” thing.
He lasers through all the vats, destroying the superclones instantly.
Jimmy takes a bunch of pictures. And somehow, magically, we never see below the waist of all the naked superclones. That doesn't bother us a bit.
But then the camera pans over and forces us to look at their deadness. They're still covered by random bits of glass, which is weird, but I'm oddly okay with that.
Superclone tells Jimmy and Lane to leave, using MORE big words (Seriously, isn't “get out of here” good enough anymore?).
Luthor tries to draw Superclone into his kryptonite room, but apparently Superclone is smarter than Luthor gave him credit for. He closes the door and locks Luthor in. He then makes off with the entire room, hauling it away and then dropping the room. It crashes through a building, makes people in the streets scream, the usual.

At the ice cave.
Superman seems to be enjoying lifting random items. Robot turns on the news.
Superman discovers that Superclone has dropped Luthor through a building and that the idiots running things want to send the military after Superclone (and we all know how well that'll work).
Robot protests that Superman is not fully strong (yep, it's special).
But Superman doesn't care. He takes his “solar suit” and a kryptonite gun.

And none too soon, the military is closing in on Superclone, who isn't all that impressed by their random tanks and guns. From atop his high perch, he lasers them and causes many a massive explosion. Around the corner, Lane and Jimmy are watching and taking pictures.
Fighter jets show up and Superclone happily blasts them away too.
Well.... maybe some helicopters will do better. Hmmm..... nope.

AH!. The real Superman has returned. With his weird shaggy hair and ridiculous suit (more ridiculous than his regular one, you ask?. I actually don't know. It's a toss up).
Superman and Superclone have a fun little discussion about ethics and methods and such.
They don't agree, big surprise.
Epic battle in the sky time. But it's okay. Apparently smashing your fists together REALLY hard shatters glass. Almost as good as an explosion :D
Lane and Jimmy follow the action in a jeep they found.
The two use pretty much every Superman power we know of, Superclone winning out because he's a bit more healthyish than Superman right now.
Metropolis has successfully done it. It now looks like a proper warzone.
Superman and Superclone continue to smash stuff and punch each other.
Superclone has the upper hand still, no surprise. I think it's the cape.
They have a fun battle by the pier with lots of heavy machinery to chuck at each other (I'm wondering, is there anywhere Superman HASN'T fought in this movie?. Other than, like, inside a building {on the other hand, he's smashed through several, does that count?}.).
They swap more insults. Then commence with a basic repeat of the last quarter of Superman's battle with Spiky. Except with more insults and less drooling.

Superclone punches Superman into his own tombstone and is about to.... you know... kill him. Again...
When Lane and Jimmy arrive with the kryptonite gun (so that's where they've been).
Lane manages a single shot, then Superman and Superclone start fighting in a convenient oil spill (after Superclone blasts the laser out of her hands).
Superclone knocks out Superman, then grabs the HUGE tombstone and attempts to drop it on “our hero”. Unfortunately for Superclone, he got the cartridge of kryptonite stuck to him and Superman blasts it open. Cough, cough... hurk!. GAK!.
Sad scene.... all the clone wanted was to protect the people *sniffle*
Then a happy scene. Yep, it's the RIGHT Superman this time.
YAY!. Well.... they yayed anyway.
And then, back at.... Lane's home?.... Superman reveals to her that he is, in fact, Clark Kent.
Which she is apparently thrilled to hear. She jumps on him and kisses him and they knock over a wall when he falls over.

And.... Luthor is still alive. And still evil.
The End.

So the moral is.....
Don't kill evil people?.
Don't make clones and then abuse them?.
True love triumphs?.
Robots can save your life?.
Ooh, I know!. I know!. Never get into a fight with a really angry porcupine :D