Tuesday, August 2, 2011

THE Batman against a Freaked-Out Palm Tree

This was actually mostly written by July 16th, but then a bunch of craziness happened and I didn't have time (or energy) to finish it. But now, here it is, in all of it's badly written (and animated) glory....
Written on: August 2, 2011
Yeah I know, I haven't done one of these in a REALLY long time and y'all thought I never would do another one did you?. Well HA!. Shows what you know.
Anyway, this one's a bit different from my previous ones for three reasons.
Reason Number 1: This is half an hour long.
Reason Number 2: I'm making this stuff up AS I'm watching it for the very first time.
Reason Number 3: I actually spread the writing over multiple days
Because I actually had to rent this (as it is apparently NEVER, EVER going to become stream-able) I'm gonna make the most of it.
Meaning, I am definitely going to finish this (unlike the TMNT/Power Rangers cross-over. I couldn't finish WATCHING that, much less writing about it XP).
If you ever care to know, this is the pilot for the 2004 animated series The Batman, which some people claim is somehow related to both Batman: The Animated Series and Batman Beyond. Not sure how.
Also, for those of you who prefer my tales of real life or my apparently controversial posts or my random thoughts, those shall return..... whenever it is that they feel like it. So there :P
Just so you know “when I write stuff like this” they're actually saying that.
When I write “like this” that's just what I think ought to be said there.
So.... Bat in The Belfry....

M'kay... first thing I'm seein' is that the sky is green. Freakin' GREEN!!!. Oh, and the buildings are all slanted. Did these people draw while standing on their heads perhaps?. Well done there, then.
Ew... close up of animated sweaty guy. The zoom out didn't help.
There is Sir Enormous Dude, who has a.... sniper rifle?. Rocket launcher?. What IS that!? O.O
Oh yeah, there's also the other token thug. That little guy with wacky hair and crazy eyes ~8(
He's here” Yep. This is the intro for a Batman episode alright.
The sweaty guy is wearing sandles. Thanks for that close up.
Ooh look!. A cat!. No... that's a shadow.....
Captain Crazy Eyes has a chain. Sorry, dude, but your buddy outdid ya.
Sir Enormous has... a Sniper Rocket!. Or... something to that effect.
THERE!!” A whoosh noise!. Omigosh, I'm so surprised!.
So... yeah... safe bet these guys are.... evil?.
They also have ugly curtains. Seriously, you're that terrified and you're in a room with open windows!!.
*chink* Ooh so shinay!! 8D. Now it's back to being a shadow.
Gee.. I wonder if that could have been Bat.... SHH!!!. We don't know about him yet!.... oh, right...
Gee.. I wonder if he's afraid of that guy in the shadows with the shiny objects... hmm....
Yep. I guess so. Well, there goes Sir Enormous Dude's sniper cannon. So much for that.
Here's a question, why are they in the dark?. I mean, it's dark outside. But they're NOT outside.
Sir Enormous and Crazy Eyes leap into the shadows and presumably get the living daylights kicked out of them. I guess the violence might have frightened the children...
Oh yep, there they are. All unconscious but not like... you know... bleeding or bruised at all.
See those creepy eyes in the shadows?. Those belong to a solitary and very rare bat with enormous slanted eyes shaped like almonds.
Sweaty guy finds that pretty darn scary. Ewww.... they drew hair on his chest... ewww....
And now he's doing the dumbest thing you can do when you have a Superhero in your living room who wants to knock your lights out. He's offering money.
What does he think a dude like Batman is gonna do with that?. Make a spare mask with it?.
It should come as no great surprise to anyone that Batman is not impressed.
So sweaty guy runs through curtains and leaps onto the window sill.
Gee, it's really far down. Must be all of... six feet. He'll never escape!!.
Oh, how brave. He DOES jump. And then runs like only a tubby animated character can.
And... that is just about the creepiest expression I have ever seen.
Run camera, run for your life!. AHHHH!!!.
Oh good, Batman stopped him from hurling himself at us. Whew, that was close.
Thanks, Batman!. You saved us :D
The sky. It is still green. Like... the color of well-watered grass green O.o
Seriously, you guys did all the detailing on these kinda lousy slanted buildings, and yet... green.
AHH!. A boot!. Oh, now we see Batman clearly for the first time, carefully back-lit by the conveniently full moon- AHHH!!!!!!!!!.
He's got muscles where NOBODY should EVER have muscles. And... like... no torso.
His chest just goes right into his legs, with their fearsome kneecaps O.o
Okay.... I'm not gonna make fun of his eyes any more. I promise.
Oh yeah, in addition to no torso... this guy has no hips. His thighs seem to be attached directly to his spine, which must be incredibly strong to support all those wacky, wacky muscles XD.
I can see why this guy is scared of him.
He's probably the most terrifying thing since.... well... at least since that female mutant turtle *shudder*.
How do you do that?”
I'm The Batman”
I like how his cape is all blowing in the breeze, then suddenly sweeps around him.
Does he time his words with the wind?. Can you get breeze reports in Gotham?. Cool.
Oh yeah, the one and only Batman..... wait a second...
AH!. No, no closeup!. HELP!. Get it away!. Get it away from me!!.
Ah, why thank you fade out. That's much better.

Hey wait a second!. Now the sky is orange. And the moon has a spider stuck in it...
“Commissioner Gordon, I do believe something is wrong with our sky”
Oh..... this is the theme song. No wonder the sky is weird. So... I'm not gonna describe this because the music is nondescript and the stuff keeps going by REALLY.... hey, you stole that from TMNT!...
Oh good, it's over.

AUGH!. Now the background buildings are green too!.
“Ah, my fiendish plan is working perfectly. Yesterday the sky, today the background, tomorrow... the world!. Mwahahahaha!!!”
So.. here's Batman...err THE Batman.. leaping into.. KITT?. Wait no. it's blue and black, never mind.
AUGH!. No closeups there!. I don't CARE if he's being safe and putting his seat belt on!.
SHOOF!. Time to drive... not KITT into the dusty... place ahead of him. Ah, who cares where he's going, that car spits blue flame out the back.
And.... we got left behind to watch the police dudes (Shut up) collect their captive criminals.

ACK!. His gloves have claws!. Where will the madness end!?.
Now watch as he drives into a secret entrance in... a giant hotel?... With wood-covered windows...
And now he's driving down a secret passageway... pretty sure the new Knight Rider stole that...
And now, safe in the batcave... AH!.
Alfred has big google eyes O.O and his mouth has vanished into his mustache without a trace.
I think that half second of techno music as The Batman removed his cowl was laughing.
I'll laugh too. He. He. He.
YAY!. Birthday cake!. Wait... three candles??....
I guess Bruce is three years old today. Man, he got started on this whole Batman thing kinda young.
Maybe THAT'S why he's so misshapen. He just needs to grow a torso yet, then he'll be fine.
While he's at it, maybe he could grow more cheek bone. Or perhaps he's just starving...
OH. It's his anniversary. Three years ago, he married a cowl. Proposed to a cape. Wait, what does that mean?. Anyway, he became THE Batman.
Too bad. I guess that means he'll never get that torso he always wanted. So... where is he gonna put that cake?. I mean... he's all arms, legs and chest and, presumably, his chest contains the usual things people's chests have. Like lungs.
Now he's gotta make a wish. With a frown like that, thinking of one must be painful.
Oh, yep. He wishes his parents were alive.
But he's not allowed to wish for that. So he's not gonna.
So he's just gonna blow out the candles... to their memory.

Meanwhile, where the sky is green and the buildings are slanted....
Oh. Now we're in a building. Doesn't anybody in this film believe in wallpaper?.
Look!. Picture of a bunch of people with weirdo hair cuts!.
And here's Bruce. Totally not being self-centered by watching himself on the news. Or in any case, watching people TALK about him on the news.
There are no decorations in this ENTIRE room. This huge room!.
And that is the tiniest, most pathetic sofa ever. Too bad Bruce isn't sitting in it, that'd look funny XD.
So... apparently the police want to take the credit, because they're calling THE Batman an “urban legend”. In response, Alfred is offering Bruce more bran flakes.
Ew... what a way to make something sound gross, Alfred.
Bruce is very intent on his bran flakes. And he's holding his spoon like a toddler does.
That bowl is the size of his head. How is he gonna eat all those!?.
Bruce is apparently pleased to be considered a myth.
He must like to pretend to be THAT Mothman in his time off.
Now that the chatter about the stuff we already saw is over, let's turn the TV off.
EEK!. Don't give us a close up of his arm!.
It's creepy. The lower arm is enormous, but the upper is tiny and vanishes into his unflattering T-Shirt which appears to be several sizes too big in all places save his shoulders.
Now, Alfred is being cruel. He's forcing Bruce to go to a sport's event.
He claims that it's so people won't become all suspicious-like, but I think he really just wants to traumatize poor young Batman. Alfred is so cruel. So cruel :(

Now enjoy this carefully drawn and detailed metal bridge, which apparently serves no purpose other than to stand over these poorly drawn and hardly detailed police cars.
Also, enjoy that pale yellow sky and those mandarin orange background buildings.
AH!. We cut to a bald guy with evil eyebrows and lips that hide under a triangular nose!.
Now, let us have a conversation with that annoying guy.
He seems to be confused about the uniforms for police officers and those for Army men.
He MUST be a crooked cop. Because he doesn't want anyone to see THE Batman as a hero.
Dude, a little late with that one, aren't we?.
And now, the bald guy gets a partner. A lady with crazy hair and slanted eyes that seem to continue beyond her head and right into her weirdo hairstyle.
Now enjoy the carefully detailed things that DON'T move.
See that filing cabinet?. Well it's irrelevant. See that... VCR?. Well it's not important EITHER!.
Oh no!. She's got an oriental name, but uses.... “Texan” phrases. HELP!.
Now, Chief Pointy Hair is going to explain to Baldy and Lady Damsel in Dis-... err... I mean... Wonderwom.... I mean... Catwo.... err... Big Hair Lady?. Yeah... we'll go with that.

And now, for some CGI water, buildings that stand up straight, but are about half an inch from the water and a normal colored sunset.
Whew, I bet they were glad to get that over with.
Now... watch as Bruce broods in a bright room. And listen while Alfred clears his throat.
Bruce's reflection looks old and wrinkly.
And now, Bruce must go out in public *shudder*. But he can take his trusty GPS and cell phone.
I guess the GPS is so he can always know where he is.
He must get lost a lot, traveling around in the dark.

And now, enjoy this sign made of bones. Wait, no. This is Arkham Asylum, your one stop shop for every kind of crazy!. Also, enjoy our rolling black clouds and lightning!.
See all those doors with their detailing and stains?. Yeah, ignore those.
See this one over here, that has none?. Yeah, you should worr-.... yeah... just lean on that door, now that you've seen that there's a crazy person in there who doesn't belong...
I can see already that he has wild green hair, a really long-sleeved sweater and blue hands.
Not to mention crazy red and yellow eyes. What the crazy town?.
What movie did I just walk into?. Who IS this freak!?.
Oh never mind, he's laughing crazily while throwing gas grenades at the guy. Must be Scarecrow.
Hang on there!. Scarecrow didn't have green hair!.
Apparently, Gotham has this rule. The sky is either green, sunset or it's stormy out.
You're not allowed to have anything else.
I ...uh... you guys should do something about those crazy people who check themselves in, knock out your orderlies and then set your patients loose. Like... lock them up or something.
AUGH!. He's got white bare feet with super-huge toes!. HALP!.

Meanwhile, at the police station with its super-awesome bridge and terrible buildings...
Baldy is explaining that THE Batman, in essence, is untraceable.
And Big Hair is typing... hey that's your monitor stand lady, not your keyboard!.
And now Big Hair is reading stuff on her screen. You know that scene I just described?. She just described what happened too. But with less detail. And bigger eyes 8| hmm.. no. O.O … no.... there's not really a key to compare with what she's doing. That guy has NO chin. And she has a very pointy face. She could put somebody's eye out with that chin of hers!.
They realize, after some stupidity, that THE Batman will find out too.
So they flee the room, to parts unknown.
And we zoom in on.... thanks... there's no picture or text there. Just green and blue boxes. You lazy art department, you didn't even give us anything to look at, but you made us see it anyway!.

Meanwhile, at the sporting event...
The crowd is unusually sedate for watching sports. And Bruce is flirting with two weird ladies.
Bruce, you're rich dude, you can do much better than two ladies with unnaturally shiny hair and bush-baby sized eyes. Although, with your own deformities, you guys are probably made for each other.
Then, with the least amount of subtlety he can muster, Bruce looks at his phone while sitting between the girls who are still hanging all over him like determined fleas.
Gee, Bruce, way to maintain a low profile *insert eye roll here*

At home, Alfred is watching TV while sitting on the couch, which has grown enormously since we last saw it. Maybe it's a shrinkable couch, to save space... in your giant... empty... room... yeah.
The news would like to film Bruce, but can only find some very disappointed bush babies...
Alfred is now angry. I guess he doesn't like bush babies. Oh well.

Here, audience, enjoy this alley, with its beautifully stoned street and stained walls and... purple drapes.
AUGH!. Another close up of Bruce's ugly mug!.
He presses a button and his car comes screeching around the corner.
I don't think this guy understands the whole “low profile” thing.
His car is apparently stupid and vrooms on past him, nearly running him down.
But he's apparently fine with that.

Now watch, as he pulls on his clawed gloves and buckles himself-... AHHH!!. Not the close up!. Help, save me!. This guy has no torso and they're making sure I can tell!.
Now he's hiding his face behind the mask. Good job, Bruce!.
No, no!. Don't show us a view of him from the car floor!. I don't WANT to see his weirdo crazy muscles. Unless, maybe, he's actually keeping a stash of chocolate bars in his suit. That MUST be it.
And now, witness if you will: our hero, driving worse than a drunk person at speeds rivaling that of the USS Enterprise (D)

Meanwhile, at Arkham.
“Will ya look at all them kooks in the road, Joe?. They're just walkin' in front of the car. Why, they must be crazy or somethin'!”
I think they just ran over one, being as their car kinda jerked and then stopped O.o
Hey look, giant Jack-In-The-Box!.
I guess we all know who that green-haired freak in the sweat shirt is now... The Riddler!.
Now, watch as the police (in their military green uniforms) observe the box as it plays its off-key tune. And then explodes.
Above, on top of a nearby building, THE Batman watches while frowning deeply and being cleverly back-lit by the moon. Again. Ooh, the sky is purple now!.
And now, after yet another unnecessary (and unwanted XP) close-up, he breaks into the asylum. Which is really where he belongs anyway (and I hope he stays there!).

Inside, there is a useless bridge (seriously, the thing leads from a window sill into a wall. No wonder people are always getting out of Arkham, it was designed by crazy people!), and a flashing red light that is trying to make us believe a nuclear explosion is about to occur. Or did occur. Or something...
See that puddle?. Inside the building?. See that shadow?. The one that looks like a six-legged spider with ears?. Yeah. That's the shadow of THE Batman. Sploosh.
And now he's looking down into the abyss. Arkham seems to be a tall castle. With stagnant water at the bottom. What sort of nuthatch is this?.
Look!. Open doors!. And more open doors!. And, and, I don't believe it!. Open doors!.
Hey, a janitor!. This janitor is full of drugs. They make him slap-happy.
This is worthy of white and red flashes. And gasping. And crazed giggling.
I'm gonna giggle too. Hee. Ha. Ha. Hee.
“Now, Mr. Janitor, I know you're all unconscious and REALLY, REALLY thrilled by that, but stop falling over. Alright, that's it, I'm gonna just lean you against this wall, m'kay?”
AH!. A barefoot demon on the ceiling!. With palm tree hair!. Save us, THE Batman!. Save us from his giant sweater and gingivitis!.
Apparently, he thinks he's a nutcracker, as he just clacked his enormous horse teeth together.
“Aw... now that guy's making fun of me. I'm gonna have to grab him by his ugly orange and purple sweater and demand his name!”
Ooooohhhhh.... don't worry, guys. It's only Joker. No, not The Joker. Just Joker.
I think THE Batman stole all the THE this series could stand.
Next, THE Batman tries to remove his makeup, because he wants to know the REAL identity of this freak of nature. And so do we. This can't be Joker. He's like.... a hyper-active eight-year old with a Halloween mask and the sweater his Grandma knitted for him last Christmas.
So, Joker tries to make THE Batman take drugs, but THE Batman stomps on his sweater sleeves and punches him. Aw... Grandma's gonna be so made at you, Joker, you ripped your lovely new sweater. It was made with love and THE Batman just tore it all up :(
And now, time for some random punching and throwing horrible, horrible jokes around.

Meanwhile, outside, where the sky is now black and the buildings standing straight with their windows all big like they're shocked 0.0.....
Baldy and Big Hair have arrived.
Big Hair immediately decides that waiting for helicopters so they can cross the bridge is stupid and leaps into the lake to swim to Arkham Castle...err.. Asylum.

Now, back to THE Batman chasing Joker and Joker leaping around on the walls like the floor is made of lava. Either that or he stole Spiderman's powers.
But that's Marvel, not DC. And I don't think those guys do cross-overs with each other, though they cheerfully thieve each other's ideas fairly regularly.
Then, Joker suddenly decides to leave. He throws some cards and we get to watch them in slow motion as THE Batman narrowly dodges them by.... about a foot.
He stares at them for a sec, then leaps up and chases Joker around a corner.
Only to find himself face-to-face with Jack. In da box.
And then he tries to STOP the music from playing. Because we somehow KNOW that's how the explosion gets set off. Couldn't, be like, a timer, right?.
He doesn't succeed, but we get to watch him escape in slow motion... from confetti.

Meanwhile, Big Hair has exited the lake, her hair magically undisturbed.
She and Baldy immediately decide to split up. Because that's a great idea.
Baldy runs around the building and finds himself face-to-face with THE Batman.
He tries to read THE Batman his rights, but THE Batman cares not and escapes, Spiderman style.
Somehow, Big Hair has run ALL the way around the HUGE building.
They then watch as THE Batman vanishes into the moon, his rope apparently attached to the sky.

Back at the cave, THE Batman has apparently brought the janitor... even though... we didn't see anyone with him.... earlier... oh well.... MEDIC!.... er, I mean... ALFRED!.

Now, enjoy our yellow sky and blazing sun, which sits in front of our background buildings because it's more important than they are....
Bruce is staring at one of the cards left by Joker and listening to the radio say... well... nothing important. Just stuff we already know!.
You know what the word “exposition” means, right guys?. It's to EXPOSE things we didn't already know. Or EXPLAIN them. You're not moving the plot. You're just wasting film.
And maybe wishing you had more plot. Bruce does look a little sad...
Now, for more non-exposition while Bruce thinks and Alfred talks.
And then Baldy arrives!.
Time for a commercial.

And Bruce was arrested and never heard from again. Yay!. Oh wait... never mind.
They make some dumb jokes at each other and are apparently friends.
And Bruce plays basketball.... sometimes.
Now we get to watch them drink... tea?. Out of coffee-mugs.
And we find out that Baldy wants to talk to someone not involved in his current case (yeah, that one where he's supposed to catch THE Batman). And out of ALL the people he knows, he came to Bruce.
Because he's obviously not involved XD.
And Alfred drops a vase while dusting.
They make some more dumb jokes while.... not giving us exposition *sigh*.
And, naturally, Baldy actually thinks THE Batman is one of the good guys.
Only, it's still his job to catch him.

And now, a word from our sponsor. Wait, no. It's just THE Batman looking at one of Joker's cards. With his creepy... claw-hands.
And now he has found a wacky place which looks pretty much like Joker's lair.
Only in crazy-town would the cops not notice what it looks like.
So, sure enough, there's Joker. And he tries to tell another lame joke.
And Joker does the “we're so much alike” routine.
THE Batman is not impressed, so Joker throws a sack of sand at him and escapes in his weirdo clown blimp, which we somehow know is full of the wacky-gas.
What is that?” cry the people of Gotham.
“Is that really sky?. It's the color of tomatoes!”
So Joker is heading the blimp for a conveniently placed golden statue with a spear, so he can pop it and spread crazy all over Gotham. Not that it would hurt them or anything.
Wouldn't popping the blimp cause him to fall out of the sky?.
And wouldn't that be... you know... a bad thing?.
THE Batman leaps into his batmobile and gives chase. ZOOM!.

Meanwhile, Baldy and Big Hair have realized that there is a crazy dude with a blimp over their city.
And the spear statue is very shiny for it being nighttime and all.
Although, on the other hand, it's still a full moon and the sky is a brilliant crimson.
So Joker giggles madly and moves around on his blimp like spiderfreak.
Suddenly, THE Batman leaps from above!.
Wait a tick.... he was in his batmobile last I saw.
So... let's make more lame jokes and hit each other for awhile. Whee.
Below, Baldy and Big Hair give chase in their little brown car.
They make lame jokes too.
And watch while THE Batman and Joker hit each other and try to knock each other out of the blimp.
Dramatic music time. And Joker tries to knock THE Batman off the blimp with a GIANT hammer.
Where was he keeping that thing?. In the magical “behind your back” place?.
Oh well, no matter. Time for THE Batman to throw a line out and attach himself to a huge water tank.
Remember that scene in Spiderman 2 where Spiderman was in front of the train and tried to stop it?.
Well, this is like that, only in the air and THE Batman is suspended between the blimp and the water tower by his grappling hook. Oh, and he's trying to change the blimp's direction, not stop it.
But otherwise, it's identical. For those of you who are so unprivileged that you haven't yet seen that movie, just imagine a dude trying to stop/change the direction of something five or six times his size. And “huurggh”-ing and “huhhggg”-ing a lot.
You get the picture. I'm sorry.
So... anyway... the blimp narrowly misses its target and instead floats on down a side street.
Or towards the ocean, now that we changed angles.
East. Gotham Bay”
Thank you Big Hair for that startling revelation. It's not like we can SEE the bay out the front of the car or anything. Or maybe Baldy is blind. I'm sorry, Baldy, I had no idea.

Uh-oh. Joker is a sad clown now. And his hammer is bigger than it was in the last scene O.o
But THE Batman is ahead of him and is now behind him (hehehehe.... I know what I did there).
Time for one last bad joke, then we'll dump this blimp in the ocean, about five feet from shore oughta do it. It's not like we're gonna hurt those fish any with our crazy gas....
Not-KITT has now transformed into a speedboat, for timely getaways after sinking blimps.
But Joker gets away with the clever use of parachute. That means we'll have to see him again in future. Oh no!!!. O.O
But at least we saved the city, polluted the ocean, killed some fish, made bad jokes and did manage to send Joker to Arkham (where he started out in the first place!).
Good work has been done here.
Time to speed off into the bright red sky, “beautifully” lit by the enormous full moon, leaving behind a torn up blimp, Joker and Baldy and Big Hair, who will, hopefully, learn from this experience and retire.
Oh yeah, and we also fixed up the janitor while nobody was looking.
He's back on duty, doing the same thing he was doing before.
Dude, don't quit your day job. Whatever it is, it's better than walking around in a leaky castle and checking off crazed inmates on your clipboard.
And now, we leave you with a final lame joke from Joker and his crazed giggling.
He. He. He. He.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.