Sunday, September 19, 2010

Superman vs A Really Angry Porcupine

Written on: September 19th, 2010

So I was bored one evening and decided I wanted to do another movie recap-ish thing. And what better than another random comic-book movie most people have never been cursed to hear of?.
Superman Doomsday is an hour and a half animated feature made in 2007. It is officially rated PG-13, more or less.
Again, if you don't like spoilers or intend to watch this movie seriously, stop here. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy reading a lot of nonsense.
Please note that I'm not really all that fond of Superman and am thus inclined to.... not hide it.

Our story opens with shiny blue. Which eventually begins to form letters. You might assume WB, for Warner Brothers. No. WP. Warner Premier. Which I have NEVER heard of. Anyway.

Our story actually begins with a still-image of a very gaunt (in the face, not the body) looking Superman, holding two thugs up by.... their pants?. Their belts?. Their underwear?. What IS he holding?. The thugs look appropriately frightened by being held in the air by the behind-your-back-place. Maybe the bad drawing of Superman's face is the artist's fault. All thugs are masked so you don't have to deal with the horror of their hideous faces.
After taking several seconds to study this picture, the first dialogue is said “just look at him”.
Which I have been doing for about five seconds before any word was spoken.
We get a lovely slideshow of Superman doing Superman-ish things. And that dude voice sounds like it has a crush on him. Not sure if the “so sleek” was related to Superman or the plane he was holding at the time. I'll get back to you.
Yep, this is the villain. They're talkin' 'bout how Superman is god-like and thus all the pitiful humans should worship him appropriately (what do you care, scary villain voice?. You're just gonna try to kill him later. Who cares if the peasants are worshiping him beforehand?).
He makes some thinly veiled threats to Superman's image and we see him. Yep, dark-skinned baldy, must be evil. It's the law of cartooning. Only... his mouth ain't movin' while he talks. Telepathy?. That seems a bit over-kill to speak to the image of our really horribly drawn super-hero. He seriously looks like someone pulled a tooth and his mouth REALLY hurts, but he has to pretend to smile.

DUN-DUN! (seriously, that's what happens next. DUN-DUN!). Opening credits time!.
Look, some random CGI clouds :D.
Guess what?. DC was involved. And so were some other people. Good fer them.
The credits go on for some time, with vaguely Superman-theme sounding epic music. I can't make too much fun, since the theme was pretty awesome. Still, the credits were a touch long.
Seriously, you could write down a name before the credits turned to another one.
And the background is pretty much zooming over some clouds, coming towards earth, an explosion, zooming over clouds at night.... etc.
And then we see.... The City. Except at first we think it's a really big close up of an Oreo (seriously, it looks like an Oreo. A giant Oreo). And then we zoom in and assume we're either in Gotham City or Metropolis looks exactly like Gotham City. More credits.

The credits finally end and we get to listen to some horn-honking and watch random white things (birds?) flapping over the buildings.
And zoom into the Daily Planet where we meet Lois Lane and the Chief arguing about whether or not to write about some charity. Which is apparently run by Lex Luthor (who is Superman's major enemy guy. Well, one of them anyway). But we don't care, because we're wondering about Lane's lip-stick (where did she get that weird shade of pink?. Krypton?. It's SO weird). We also ponder the shade of her skin (is she supposed to look Mexican?. Or what?. That's too dark for white... but.... what on earth?. Or is she the Kryptonian and Superman's from earth?). And then we wonder what idiot decided her red shirt went with her skin tone and lip-stick. Isn't she supposed to be remotely fashion-conscious?.
Oh right, the charity. Yes, says Lane. No, says Chief. But I want to. No. Please?. Definitely not.
Okay, okay, that's not what they said. Basically, but they used much bigger words. Like philanthropy.

We zoom out to see this weird kid with bright orange hair listening outside the door. He looks like a janitor, but I'm pretty sure it's just Jimmy.
The yelling gets louder and scares Janitor-Kid away. Lane comes out and her hair is no longer brown. It's black now. And her lip-stick is red. She and Chief yell at each other for a bit while we ponder whether or not his tie and her blouse are exactly the same color.
Then Chief talks to Kent and he makes a vague comment that pretty much screams “hey look, Superman”. Then again, who else would he be with a face like that?. I mean seriously: WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?. And why is his jacket the same color as his skin?.
They make some lame jokes, the Clark talks to Jimmy, who is about half as tall (his nose was about even with Clark's waist). He can't be THAT short, since Lane and Chief were right next to him a bit ago and he was only a tiny bit shorter.
Even with a better disguise, I'm afraid Superman would still stand out. He's way too tall and weirdly proportioned not to be noticed.
Oh look, a picture of an old lady was hiding behind his suitcase. He picks it up, smiles at it, puts it down and pokes the spacebar on his computer (to turn it off apparently). And then he leaves and we wonder how he manages to sit in his desk chair. He is much too huge. And it is much to small, maybe even too small for midget Jimmy.
Lane is throwing a temper tantrum at her desk, but Clark decides to say goodbye anyway. She calls him names and ignores him. And for some strange reason he's surprised.

And here we cut to... middle of nowhere. It looks like the Grand Canyon. And there's some random dude in an army getup just starin' out into the dark. He's at the edge of the cliff-like place. He's staring, staring, staring.... ah... the sound of... robins?. At night?. Near the Grand Canyon?. Ah well, it's peaceful. He uses his binoculars to peer around and the camera swings over. Oh look, more guys. They seem to be stealing something.... from the middle of nowhere (please don't take our rocks away!. We love them so!. Their natural beauty inspires us!). Zoom!. Down a tunnel. Ooh, explosion. Pwetty fire!.
Yes, these rocks are on fire!. Awesome!. Aww, it went out. And behind it... a pile of rubble that a random work vehicle comes and scoops up. And then they fire a laser at what's left. But we decide to follow a random vehicle that looks like it should be hauling toxic waste.
Apparently Superman can't see two miles below the earth's surface. Good for him. But why do we CARE?. We're drilling rocks in the middle of nowhere. Are we mining for gold?. Or drilling beneath the city?. Or maybe we're just building a cave to live in. Why would Superman care what they're doing right now?.
Apparently the cave is very hot. Because they are digging for radiation. That's kinda special.
BOOM!. Oh look!. We just uncovered this weird... (it looks like a space ship, but don't tell anybody).

And now, back to the city. Baldy is starin' out his window at the city. Ah, I can see my reflection, how nice... Apparently Baldy is Luthor. And his staring out the window is too important for whatever his secretary might want to say. Instead he wants her to take this block of random wires to somebody. Because it's important. Apparently Luthor wants to help with medical stuff.... really, really slowly. How very... evil of him. Mwahaha?. Great, his secretary is named “Mercy”. How nice.
Apparently she came to tell him that... Project Applecore found stuff. Yes, Applecore. Because that sounds like a project everyone should be working on.
To the arctic!.

Superman is in an icy cave, messing around with some frozen statues and weird gizmos.
He is apparently searching for the cure for cancer. Because he has nothing better to do. He uses some more big words, as the people in this film like to do and talks to his robot friend.
Then Lane shows up, apparently having taken a shower. What shower?. There's a shower in this ice cave?. How weird. She and Superman exchange random verbal vaguely veiled inappropriateness.
And then they kiss for a REALLY long time. And the robot just sort of stands there, with one of the two towels Lane had. Fortunately, she's using the other one.

RANDOM USELESS EXPLOSION!. BOOM!. We're back in the cave. And we get to follow this really slow vehicle-type thingamajig. Yep. That thing we found?. It's a space craft. Because if we said “ship”, people would think we were crazy. Oh wait, they already do.
Now if we just carefully laser away the rocks.... OOPS, we hit the ship. It's smoking and making an angry growl sound now. Should it be doing that?. I think we made it mad.
And suddenly everything is all dark and red. And a big angry thing smashes through the craft. Yep, it's spiky, growling and has beady red eyes. It's mad. Really mad.
It spends several minutes smashing random people and toppling vehicles and roaring angrily. Then it eats out camera man. Mmmm delicious!.

And now Luthor realizes. Hmmm, maybe that thing was locked away for a reason.
This is a lesson everyone should learn: Do not open creepy things in dark caves in the middle of nowhere that are buried “before the dinosaurs time”. They are invariably horrible, evil, unkillable things that want to either take over the world or kill everybody. Preferably both.

Our spiky friend has found himself some huge trousers (which is good... I don't WANT to know). And some more random people to smash. And... OOH LOOK A DEER!. That's like, totally the most distracting thing ever!. I think I'll stare at it for several seconds. Aww... it's running away.
ROAR!. This angers me!. I'll chase it!. Okay, Spike never said anything except “grr.... rr.... grrarr.... ROAR!”.
He chases deer. And catches. And rips it's head off (but in a way that we don't actually see). To demonstrate.... what exactly?. He's twice as big as Superman (assuming all the worker folk were the same height as the Daily Planet folk). At that size, catching a deer and ripping its head off isn't terrible... scary. It's just sort of normal. When you're huge and have giant spikes growing out of your chest. And no, he's not going to eat it. He's just gonna leave it there.

Back at the ice cave, Superman and Lane are sitting on a block of ice, talking about romance related stuff. Fortunately, they are wearing matching robes (seriously, where is this stuff coming from?. Is he flying off to get it whenever he feels like it?).
And she suspects that Superman and Clark may be the same person. Meh, no surprise there.

And now to a cabin in.... next to a neighborhood. And a barking dog. WOOF!. WOOF!. YIPE!.
And random guy in cabin runs out, in his nightclothes.... with nothing to protect himself. His guard dog went nuts and then yelped that death yelp that dogs do only in film. That's smart.
AAHHH!!!!!!!. Big angry thing!. EEP!. GAK!. The end.

Luthor is worried about all the dead people. Mostly because he thinks people will trace it to him. And his illegal digging in the middle of nowhere in search of radiation. Mercy assures him nothing will be traced back to him. Yeah, sure, that's likely.

Superman and Lane have a fight. Well... Lane has a temper tantrum. Superman just sort of stands there.
Robot tries to be helpful, but it's really a moron and can't help at all.

Here comes Spiky, trudging through some forest, knockin' down some trees. Not because they're in his way, because (we assume) they offend him. I question now whether he can open that mouth of his. If he can, he's got some really nasty sharp fangs. But he hasn't AT ALL yet, not even when growling.
Oh look, a semi-truck. I hate it. I want to smash it!. YAY!.
And it's little wonder, with whatever that horrible song is playing on the radio. Some truck smashing, driver screams, that sort of thing. Mmmmm, fire. Well that was fun. I want something else to smash.
Ooh look!. A city!. Yep, a huge city surrounded by wilderness on all sides. Sounds like a great place to smash some stuff!.

Lane is still sulking. But Superman doesn't know how to sulk or be mad. So he kisses her instead.
And starts to tell her who he is. But Robot distracts him. Because it is a “matter of terrific urgency”.
I get the feeling that the people who made this film just flipped through a dictionary and picked words at complete and total random (Ah, that one sounds nice and important. And ooh look, it's over fifteen letters!). Robot complexly explains that Spiky is the product of a random alien civilization who wanted to create a super-soldier. Unfortunately, Spiky is too dumb to tell friend from foe and thus goes around smashing everything. Supposedly everything living, but it likes to smash buildings and trucks too.

And now the army has been called in to try and kill Spiky. I'm thinkin' this giant spike-monster who is smashing random vehicles and walking around in the flames is not gonna care that much about some bullets and grenades. Maybe I'm wrong.....
Nope, not wrong. It just makes him mad. More people smashing. Spiky now magically has boots.
Superman is coming for Spiky now. Lane stays on a random rooftop and calls Jimmy to meet her “here” now. How is he supposed to know where “here” is?. Is he psychic?.
Ooh, they have tanks now. That shoot FIRE. Because that's been so effective.
Spiky punches the fire. Yes, that's what I said. More guys shoot at him ineffectively. He smashes them.
And then throws a tank at some other army guys. He picks up another tank, only to have some missiles shot at him. Which, oddly enough, makes him more angry. He throws the tank at the guys with missile launchers. Dey go squish.
Then he throws another tank, but Superman has finally arrived and catches it. He puts it down and blows at Spiky. Spiky just gets mad and charges him. But then he finally turns into an ice block.
For about two seconds. Then he tries to smash Superman. Who urghs for awhile, but finally pushes him away. Spiky is infuriated and roars, opening his mouth for the very first time. And then he swings at Superman, misses but hits the tank and sends it spinning off into a building. Superman completes his elaborate dodge, then hops over and hits Spiky. Which just makes it angry. It grabs his hand at the third punch and commences with the creaking noises (one of them needs oiling. I'm betting on Superman).
He then punches Superman, who kinda roll/flips across the street. Spiky jumps and Superman flies to meet him. They crash around and blow some stuff up. Then Spiky launches Superman into a tall building. Ouch. Oh look, hi people inside the building!. Sorry for smashing into your wall.

Lane has stolen a helicopter and frightens Jimmy with her poor flying skills.
Spiky and Superman punch each other some more. Desperate dramatic fighting music.
More bad flying. More stuff explodes.
Lane and Jimmy arrive in time to watch Spiky grab Superman, turn him upside down and smash his head into the asphalt. Ouch. Dat hurt. Spiky smashes Superman into a few more buildings, then punches him through a wall. More ouch. Dat hurted more. And then Spiky tromps on him for awhile.
Above, Jimmy takes photos and tries not to fall out of the helicopter.
He gets distracted. When he looks back, Spiky is gone, just Superman in a hole in the road now.
ACK!. Spiky got closer!. He doesn't want his picture took!. He leaps several hundred feet in the air, grabs the chopper and starts to climb in. Jimmy and Lane both scream like girls.
Superman hears them and comes to the rescue. The side of the copter gets too heavy and it kinda tilts. Superman falls off, then Jimmy kicks loose the bit our giant spiky friend was holding on to.
He and Lane watch the pair fall..... and fall.... falling.... still falling..... crash!. Oof. Ow.
Our spiky buddy hops right back up, Superman not far behind. This time, Spiky has clamped onto the base of the copter. Superman tries to haul him off, ripping out the belly of the copter.
I can't wait for them to explain this to their insurance agent.
Spiky is still hangin' onto one side of the landing gear. Superman lasers that off and they fall. Again.
I'm asking you: how does he expect Lane and Jimmy to get back to the ground?. HOW?!.
Superman carries Spiky far enough to drop him into a huge (unoccupied?) building, then heads back up to the helicopter. But we get to watch Spiky as he falls down twenty stories.
As the building caves, Superman helps the chopper down.... right next to the building. Sure, that's safe.

Spiky smashes his way out of the rubble. Have we ever considered.... talking to him?. Maybe he'd.... wait, nevermind. That definitely wouldn't work. I'm not even sure Spiky's smart enough to talk.
Spiky is no worse for wear, but he's drooling now. Eewwww....
He charges, Superman flies towards him. When their fists (arguable in Spiky's case) collide, the camera is blinded by light (what?. Where the heck is THAT from?).
Both are thrown back to their starting points by the force, but are uninjured. They charge again.
This time the camera isn't blinded and we get to watch them punch each other some more.
At some point, Superman back flips over Spiky, grabs the inside of his mouth (EW!. That's gross!. Even if he can't catch any viruses....) and tosses him WWAAAAAYYYYY down the street. BOOM!.
Boom?. Explosive?. Where?.
Spiky smashes through a building, Superman follows.
And Luthor watches from his nearby tower, apparently not in the least worried that maybe they'll smash through his tower next.
Superman smashes Spiky into an electrical... monstrosity of cables. ZAP!. But.... Spiky's still fine.
He grabs Superman by the neck and charges through some explosives and back up the street, heading for where they started (as a side note, he looks like an excited girl, running to show mommy her new doll. Sorry, but it's true “Mommy, Mommy!. Look!. I got a Superman doll!. See!?). And then he smashes Superman into an intersection. Yes.... an entire intersection. It was... special. They break through to a subway. And throw each other around down there.
AUGH!. SUBWAY TRAIN!. Spiky has always dreamed of crushing his very own train and is completely distracted from Superman. Superman pants for a bit, then flies after him. He knocks Spiky away from the train. They fight some more.

Above ground, stupid people are gathering around the giant hole in the intersection, which is now a sidewalk (shut up, it doesn't need explaining). They are attracted by the irresistible sight of smoke and sound of large, powerful things smashing each other through concrete. Sure, they're safe up here.
Never mind that one can fly and the other can jump high enough that flying is no longer an issue.
Behind them, Spiky has just punched Superman through the ceiling. He crashes into a building and lands on the ground. Oof. Spiky jumps out after him.
But look!. Terrified idiots!. He's always wanted those!. He runs after all the stupid, screaming fools.
But.... guess what?. Superman AGAIN stops him (you know, sometimes Superman comics have good ideas, but then they KEEP going. I mean, it's all well and good that Superman will sacrifice himself for other people, but they've done this EXACT thing like... five times now. In as many minutes).
True to form, Lane and Jimmy aren't running. They're taking pictures.
More Spiky and Superman hitting each other around the city. But Superman is very tired, he'd rather be napping. In the arctic. Spiky doesn't seem tired. He's just drooling more (EW!. That's gross!. Stop it right now!. Ew!).

And now for an old woman, watching someone report the battle on the news. She looks sad. Who IS she supposed to be?.
And now back to Spiky vs. Superman.

There is more hitting, punching, kicking, throwing and smashing, but it's mostly Spiky now.
EW, Superman just squirted blood from his mouth. That's gross. Spiky picks up Superman to punch him some more, but there's a random stupid kid wandering through the rubble.
Instead of “let's finish the guy in tights and THEN kill the girl” he decides to do the stupid thing.
Yep, go for the girl. Guess what happens next?.
Yep, you got it. Another Super rescue. Superman flies himself and Spiky into the air. WAAAAYYY into the air. But then he passes out or Spiky is too heavy or something because they fall back to earth.
Wildly desperate dramatic music plays as they kick and punch each other back into the atmosphere.
HUGE EXPLOSION!. Which topples a few.... a lot of buildings.
Deep, deep down in a crater, we finally spot Spiky, who was on top of Superman when we last saw them. He's smoking. And his eyes go out. The glowing red eyes. Yeah.
Lane and Jimmy run towards the crater like the morons they are.
And there's a flag.... no, a cape attached to a stick. It flips around, then blows away.
Was that stick....O.o
Oh, no... he's still alive, kinda stumblin' out of the smoke. Oops, he fell down.
Sad music. She talks to him. And then..... I don't believe it. He.... he.... he.... DIED.
YAY!. WHEEEE!!!.... oh, erm...*cough cough* WAAAHHHHH!!!!!.
Everybody cries. Including the old lady watching TV.
Well.... not everybody. The Robot doesn't cry. It just sits down and sulks in its ice chair.

FUNERAL TIME!. Some bald guy says said stuff as the camera pans over all the people of the city standing in the streets and looking... more confused than sad.
Okay, skipping time.

More sadness. Suspicion of Luthor's guilt. Somebody wants to hire Jimmy because he kept taking pictures. More sadness by the peasants. Lane finally discovers that Clark is Superman. Good fer her.
More using giant words. A bunch of people thieving things. Jimmy quits. Luthor plots stuff. Lane has a new sidekick, who is a coward. Lane does human heroics to randomly save people.

All this violence has a horrible (I mean miraculous) effect on our recently buried Superman.
He starts busting out of his grave... like a horrible brain eating zombie!. Or maybe just like.. Superman.
Either way, it's bad news...ahm.... I mean... that's nice... haha, yeah.
Just as the giant pink robot spider shoves the school bus off a bridge, Superman rescues the two occupants, Lane and a small ugly child with a cute teddy bear (yes, that's EXACTLY what happened).
He goes and stops the villain with the spider with relative ease.
He was dead all of eight minutes. Too bad. Sorry.

So he flies through the air with Lane that evening, trying to explain (with big huge random words) how he's alive. Basically comes to... he has no idea. And he doesn't feel like kissing her (I'm thinking either Spiky got a really crazy makeover or this dude's a clone).
Yep, Clark still hasn't returned. How sad.

Superman goes to visit Luthor, wanders into a kryptonite room and lets Luthor beat him senseless.
Just to get back in the swing of things I guess.
Oh, it's a clone. Which does what Luthor tells it to. Like get beaten up.
He has the real Superman, who doesn't seem all that lively.
He talks for awhile, using big words to explain that he's a crazed phsycopath and wanted to kill Superman himself, but when he couldn't he created a clone which has strength and morals, but no brains and thus does whatever Luthor tells it to.

Lane stares randomly at the new guy, who seems to have replaced Clark.
She and Clark's mother have a telephone conversation about not seeing Clark. At all.
In the next scene, Lane has located Jimmy. She grabs him by the earring (yes he has one, don't ask why) and drags him around the corner.
She tries to convince Jimmy to help her figure out what's up with Superman and his sudden affection for Luthor. But Jimmy doesn't want to. He'd rather go back to the club he was photographing and listen to the mind-numbing thump noise it's making every few seconds.

Luthor returns from.... I dunno, a joyful skip through the park?.... to find Superman gone. He checks the film log. But there's a random blackout. So.... who stole his Superman?. It was his favorite one!.
Even though it was dead.

Robot has theived Superman and put him in a vat of probably really cold water.

Our Superclone is out watching the news and discovers that a villain has killed a child.
Angry, he flies away to do who knows what.

Meanwhile, at the ice cave....
Superman has just discovered something very interesting. He's not dead. And his doctor is Robot.
Robot explains everything going on currently in about twenty words. So I type too much, big deal.

Superclone kidnaps the villain from the police and flies him high into the air. And then drops him.
It appears Superclone has his own view on the value of life. A more effective view.

Lane is shocked when she gets the call and runs to the scene. Which is rather messy. She sees Jimmy taking pictures and glares at him... probably because he was on the wrong side of the crime scene. Or maybe it was because of his hideous pink shirt which has replaced his janitor outfit.
In the morning, Superclone is interviewed and everybody is shocked by his bad behavior.
And that evening, Superclone rescues a cat and makes vieled threats towards the old woman who owns the cat for letting it outside.
Police stop by to arrest him, but he lasers their weapons, then walks away.
Superclone isn't very nice. And doesn't follow the law. Good for Superclone.... I mean.... bad clone. BAD clone. Umm.... haha?.

At the ice cave, Superman continues to heal. Good fer him.
Luthor grumbles at Superclone for not minding his manners, then tells him to go fetch the body.... which isn't so very dead anymore.
But Superclone is in a bad mood and would rather get his hair done.
Well, actually he uses the mirror to drill some lead covered kryptonite out of his brain (shut up, it makes sense.... or not).
Lane goes after Luthor, trying to get at the truth about what Luthor did.
Luthor would rather make out with her. But Lane sticks him with a needle and knocks him out.
Then she messes around in his files and plays on his computer.

Superman is beginning to feel like himself again.

Meanwhile, Jimmy has joined up with Lane and is back in his janitor outfit.
They break into Luthor's “highly” secure facility.... to find a bunch of vats with little blobs of goo in them. A lot of Superclones. They get so distracted that they forget that Luthor might wake up.
And he does. And goes on a villain rant about how the clones are his and Lane and Jimmy are about to die, cheerful stuff like that.
But Superclone I has returned. And he's a little ticked about the whole “kryptonite in brain” thing.
He lasers through all the vats, destroying the superclones instantly.
Jimmy takes a bunch of pictures. And somehow, magically, we never see below the waist of all the naked superclones. That doesn't bother us a bit.
But then the camera pans over and forces us to look at their deadness. They're still covered by random bits of glass, which is weird, but I'm oddly okay with that.
Superclone tells Jimmy and Lane to leave, using MORE big words (Seriously, isn't “get out of here” good enough anymore?).
Luthor tries to draw Superclone into his kryptonite room, but apparently Superclone is smarter than Luthor gave him credit for. He closes the door and locks Luthor in. He then makes off with the entire room, hauling it away and then dropping the room. It crashes through a building, makes people in the streets scream, the usual.

At the ice cave.
Superman seems to be enjoying lifting random items. Robot turns on the news.
Superman discovers that Superclone has dropped Luthor through a building and that the idiots running things want to send the military after Superclone (and we all know how well that'll work).
Robot protests that Superman is not fully strong (yep, it's special).
But Superman doesn't care. He takes his “solar suit” and a kryptonite gun.

And none too soon, the military is closing in on Superclone, who isn't all that impressed by their random tanks and guns. From atop his high perch, he lasers them and causes many a massive explosion. Around the corner, Lane and Jimmy are watching and taking pictures.
Fighter jets show up and Superclone happily blasts them away too.
Well.... maybe some helicopters will do better. Hmmm..... nope.

AH!. The real Superman has returned. With his weird shaggy hair and ridiculous suit (more ridiculous than his regular one, you ask?. I actually don't know. It's a toss up).
Superman and Superclone have a fun little discussion about ethics and methods and such.
They don't agree, big surprise.
Epic battle in the sky time. But it's okay. Apparently smashing your fists together REALLY hard shatters glass. Almost as good as an explosion :D
Lane and Jimmy follow the action in a jeep they found.
The two use pretty much every Superman power we know of, Superclone winning out because he's a bit more healthyish than Superman right now.
Metropolis has successfully done it. It now looks like a proper warzone.
Superman and Superclone continue to smash stuff and punch each other.
Superclone has the upper hand still, no surprise. I think it's the cape.
They have a fun battle by the pier with lots of heavy machinery to chuck at each other (I'm wondering, is there anywhere Superman HASN'T fought in this movie?. Other than, like, inside a building {on the other hand, he's smashed through several, does that count?}.).
They swap more insults. Then commence with a basic repeat of the last quarter of Superman's battle with Spiky. Except with more insults and less drooling.

Superclone punches Superman into his own tombstone and is about to.... you know... kill him. Again...
When Lane and Jimmy arrive with the kryptonite gun (so that's where they've been).
Lane manages a single shot, then Superman and Superclone start fighting in a convenient oil spill (after Superclone blasts the laser out of her hands).
Superclone knocks out Superman, then grabs the HUGE tombstone and attempts to drop it on “our hero”. Unfortunately for Superclone, he got the cartridge of kryptonite stuck to him and Superman blasts it open. Cough, cough... hurk!. GAK!.
Sad scene.... all the clone wanted was to protect the people *sniffle*
Then a happy scene. Yep, it's the RIGHT Superman this time.
YAY!. Well.... they yayed anyway.
And then, back at.... Lane's home?.... Superman reveals to her that he is, in fact, Clark Kent.
Which she is apparently thrilled to hear. She jumps on him and kisses him and they knock over a wall when he falls over.

And.... Luthor is still alive. And still evil.
The End.

So the moral is.....
Don't kill evil people?.
Don't make clones and then abuse them?.
True love triumphs?.
Robots can save your life?.
Ooh, I know!. I know!. Never get into a fight with a really angry porcupine :D

Friday, September 10, 2010

Batman vs. Smoky Floaty Pants

Actually written:  Sept 9th, 2010

So I was bored this evening and the most recent film I watched was Batman: Mask of The Phantasm.
If you ever intend to watch this movie in any kind of serious way, I suggest you stop here.
Or if you want to avoid spoilers of any kind. Otherwise, feel free to continue.
I warn you, this may be kinda long (I like to type, had lots of time and this movie was rather silly).
And stay tuned afterwords for a special list: Uses for Robin.

Our story opens with a rather weirdly animated view of Gotham City and what sounds like a church choir oohing and ahhing their way through the 90s Batman theme (for those of you who've seen The Hunt For Red October, that's pretty much what it sounded like... except a church choir.... to the Batman theme.... well, you get the picture).
And sure enough, according to the credits, people were involved in making this film.
I'm not sure why. But they were.
And then they woosh you under a bridge and through a random building. And you realize that these drawings were done by some chimps who once saw a bridge riding by on a speedboat.

And then you get to the actual opening scene where you zoom into one of the buildings (and see a convenient Batman shadow outside) to discover that some random goons that you've never seen before (and shall probably never encounter ever again) are making counterfeit money (those dastardly fiends!). But you don't really care because you're looking at the picture behind the head goon thinking “Ohmygosh!. Is that a human?!. Wait... yes, yes it is. It's a girl.... O.O is she naked?”. 'course, Mr. Head Goon thankfully never moves so you don't get to find out (sorry all you pervs, this movie is just PG).
And then the movie reveals its violent PG content. Batman smashes through a window and commences with the head-smashing of thugs. And they have guns. That shoot bullets. Not that they hit anything, though one guy manages to make many a whole in a wooden table Batman is using for cover (no, you don't want to know how those bullets missed him).
More goon smashing.
And then you see another picture. You're like “is that the same one?. It's hard to tell”. Seriously, it's hard. There are, like, three of them in the room and they all look like the exact same girl lying down in exactly the same way (Mr. Goon Leader must have a thing for her.... or maybe it's her casino since there's a freakin' huge figure of her on the roof. Did I mention that before?. I'm sorry).
Fortunately, this girl is dressed (barely), which leads you to assume that the original was too (but we'll never know for sure will we?).
Oops, Head Goon is escaping!. Gasp, what a surprise!. Never thought he'd do that while his thugs attacked Batman ineffectively.

Never mind, he just met the bad guy. There's an unusually large amount of smoke coming out from under that cape of his.... is he on fire?. And what's with the creepy Dr. Claw voice?. Except it's worse, I have no earthly idea what he's saying.
That's right, Mr. Head Goon, shoot at Mr. Smoky Floaty Pants, that will work well.
And then Mr. Smoky Floaty Pants slashes the gun in half. With a sharp implement. Which seems to be his hand. And just when he's about to.... well we can't say kill as this is a cartoon.... SURPRISE!. Car brakes squealing. That's never a good sign, but is a pretty standard “interrupt the bad guy before he does something evil” ploy.
And yep, you guessed it, that car has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It just makes Mr. Floaty (I am not gonna type that whole thing EVERY single time) look away long enough for Mr. Goon to start running away (if he were Batman, he could just vanish. It's a well-documented fact that goons are much slower than Batman).
Mr. Goon finds a handy-dandy car, leaps in and tries to run over Mr. Floaty (or is he the Grim Reaper?. He sure looks like the Grim Reaper). Seriously?. Because running people over is SO much more effective than shooting them with lots of bullets (and that worked so well).
And SURPRISE! Mr. Floaty smashes the windshield with his wicked claw hand.
And our friend, Mr. Goon, gets to scream repeatedly.
Where's Batman in all this?. Was he seriously THAT far behind Mr. Goon?.
Maybe it was time for his coffee break. I mean, Bruce Wayne by day and Batman by night?. Gotta be tiring, right?. Surely he needs much caffeine to sustain himself.
Anyway, Mr. Floaty is just about to grab Mr. Goon when Goon suddenly swerves his car and knocks Mr. Floaty off (that's right, bullets don't bother him and he leaps onto the hood of a speeding vehicle, but it turns left and he falls right off).
Now, the smart thing to do here would be to drive away quickly. I mean, you've got Batman and the freakin' Grim Reaper chasing after you!. But NOOO, Mr. Goon is so thrilled by his success at knocking Mr. Floaty off his hood that he turns around and tries to run him over (because that worked so well ten seconds ago).
Mr. Floaty leaps OVER the car this time (what?. You think he's dumb enough to let Mr. Goon knock him off the hood again?). And Mr. Goon suddenly realizes he's steered himself towards a conveniently HUGE window (ooh, more glass smashing!. I dunno about you guys, but I've never seen a huge window in a parking garage. Sorry). He flies out the window and right into another building (how nice, another building just BARELY close enough for him to survive instead of falling to his..... massive injury.... at ground level). By now, his screams are becoming higher pitched. Any second now, he'll be screaming like a girl.

Ah, there's Batman. He JUST now entered the parking garage. He looks around quickly.
Obviously, Mr. Floaty has vanished. Batman looks over the edge through the.... concrete barrier (where'd the glass go?) at the car lodged in the next building over and listens to the horn honking for awhile (such a lovely sound, so distracting from.... whatever it was he was doing).
Oh look, convenient bystanders. In the street. In the middle of the night. In supposedly the most dangerous city in the world. They see car, and Batman (still mesmerized by the sound of the car horn) and obviously assume the worst. Batman ignores them and goes back inside to examine the glass from the broken concrete barrier. Dramatic music.
Suddenly, he sees the mysterious shadow of... he doesn't know who and gives chase (why didn't he notice this guy earlier?. And why didn't the guy run away until AFTER Batman was done being mesmerized by car horn?. I say “guy” because we're not supposed to realize it's Mr. Floaty).
Guess what?. The guy vanishes up some convenient stairs.
Time to cut to an argument the next morning between the Batman Fanclub and our resident Jerk of The Week. Who has very shiny hair (oh so very shinay....O.O).

And then we cut and realize that Bruce Wayne was watchin' the news while working on examining the glass he found. Alfred makes some creepy comments about “pressing tights” and “putting away explosive balls” (sorry, it's just.... the way he said it.... it was WEIRD. Bruce thought so too. At least, his tone of voice when he replied suggested that he did).
Examine, examine, examine. Random technobabble which means nothing to the average person.

And look, here comes an old girlfriend, though they only let us see her blood-red lip-sticked mouth. And she's talking to Jerk. Apparently he's the new boyfriend (good for him).
And.... then it's time to watch Bruce getting mobbed by guests at some random party (mostly fangirls).
Random Ex-Girlfriend time!. Yep, she's still mad at him. Which is shocking to the fangirls.
And then it's time for Jerk and Bruce to talk about love-life and Batman-bashing. And comments which are rather inappropriate for children (but only partially said so that only adults will notice them).
And then it's time to go and brood in his bedroom. Yep, his parents are still dead. Too bad about that.
After that, it's time to go to the cemetary. Yep, his parents are really dead.
Ooh, look, a crazy chick talkin' 'bout Bruce to her mother. Who is dead. And said chick seems to be standin' on her grave. Bruce wanders by, assumes she's talking to him and they strike up a conversation.
New girlfriend detected. Oh wait, she drove off, leaving him with a serious question “how crazy IS she?”. 'course ,he doesn't ask that.
Sigh, back to work.

But not in his batsuit. Naturally, he has more trouble without it. One of the thugs gets into a van and vrooms away. But Batty hops on the back and clings to the open door of the semi-trailer.
Some handy-dandy cops see and give chase. And attempt to slow down the semi-truck.... with their cop car. Why is this a bad idea?. Because semis are FREAKIN' HUGE!. The cops are fine, but their car is totaled. Too bad.
Hah!. This has given Our Hero just enough time to get on top of the truck. But can he stop the villain without his batsuit?. Meh, the guy crashes of his own accord.
Our Hero scales a wall and creeps away as the police show up (what is he now, Spider-Man?).

In the morning, the news says that a “mysterious vigilante” stopped some hoodlums. Yeah... there's really always just been the one. Should be an instant connection. But no. Not in the least.
And crazy girl returns. To observe the “injured” (he's bandaged, but not acting hurt) Bruce practicing jujitsu (and she makes a lame joke). They talk awhile. And then she takes him out in a single throw (yep... he's a real hero). To save some face, he knocks her over too (or maybe he just wants to lie on top of her and look deep into her craze-filled eyes). Yep, I'm seein' a new girlfriend. And she's really annoying. I hope she's not gonna be a super-hero too (most annoying hero ever). Maybe she's the Grim Reaper (wouldn't that be surprising?).
After that, it's time to go back to staring at the picture of his dead parents (Dude, they've been dead since you were four, aren't even a little tired of just standing there and brooding over the giant, creepy painting of them in your room every evening?. Just a little?). Sigh, back to the party.

Fortunately for us, we get to skip to..... YOU GUESSED IT: More thugs. In a cemetary this time. What for?. To examine a dead guy's grave. How surprising.
Aaannnnddd, Mr. Floaty shows up and terrorizes them. DUH!. He's secretly the Grim Reaper!. Of COURSE he's hangin' out in a cemetary (you there!. Stop looking at those dead people!. It's illegal!. Or whatever it was he said.... still can't understand a word).
These guys are even more creative. They have pick axes. Well, one of 'em does anyway. And we KNOW Mr. Floaty must be evil incarnate. He just said “death”. Not sure what else, but death was definitely one of the words. How dastardly!. How fiendishly evil!. Oh wait... thus far he's just been takin' out random thugs. I assume he musta killed the Mr. Head Goon and that must be the grave tonight's thug was at. He was muttering about “Batman icing him”. Good chance.
More spookishness happens. The pick axe is useless by the way. More creepy floatiness.
And the other thugs show up. More terrorizing of the thugs.
Well, we dropped an entire concrete angel on that guy... maybe he's dead. His henchmen are horrified, he must be dead (Are we SURE this is a PG movie?. People keep.... dying.). They see caped figure in distance. They think “BATMAN!”. Because there have never been ANY OTHER CAPED FIGURES EVER. NONE!.

Goodmorning, Gotham. Time for your daily dose of Batman Bashing and then for some weather (okay, they didn't have a weather report, but they should have). And we get to watch some old guy react so strongly to this news (this is like... third day in a row, it's not that shocking) that he nearly has a heart attack. But he doesn't.
Some more Bat Bashing by Jerk of The Week against Batman's Fanclub.
They decide to use their giant flashlight to try to contact him (yep, thank goodness we skipped Bruce's entire day. It's kinda monotonus). But he doesn't show up tonight (must be sleeping in).
Oh. Nope, he's just investiating the cemetary crime scene (which apparently the cops have done nothing with. The axe head is still imbedded in the ground).
And he discovers some convenient chemical residue, like that on the glass. SURPRISE!. Mr. Floaty was here!. Oh wait, Batsy hasn't figured that out yet (SHH!. Don't tell him!).
Time to pause at his parents grave site. Maybe nobody will notice. Oh, look, crazy girl is over there, talking to her dead mother and picking some grass. She hasn't noticed Batsy. Maybe he can just leave.
Leave. I said LEAVE!. Drat. Too late. She SAW him. And is frightened (surprising ain't it?).
He flees. She tries to follow (umm... lady, frightened means SCREAM AND RUN AWAY!. Not follow). Okay, so she's crazy and not bright enough to realize such things.
What do ya know, she comes around the MASSIVE gravestone for Bruce's parents and Batman has vanished. But she makes the obvious assumption that Batman is somehow connected to Bruce.
Please note that we are currently 20 minutes into the film.
Maybe I should skip some of this.

Is it just me or does Crazy Girl and Ex-Girlfriend look and sound exactly the same?. Are they actually the same person?. Or just identical twins?.
Basic story for now. Ex-Girlfriend is dating Jerkboy. Crazy Girl is curious and worried about Bruce. More Batman Bashing from Batty Haters. More Batsy protecting by Rabid Fans. More of Bruce's Fanclub. More creepiness from Mr. Floaty. More dead thugs who didn't even have names before they were dead. Do we care deeply?. Not really. We care more about the activities of Ex-Girlfriend.
Oh yeah, and some flashbacks about time spent with Ex-Girlfriend.
Which includes a scene where the choir returns to sing about the house of the future while Bruce and Ex-Girlfriend examine “The house of the future” which looks a heck of a lot like the house of the future from one of the Red Skelton movies. Right after that he sees.... her... the Batmobile. It's pink right now, but it's the Batmobile. And she's beautiful... oh wait.... his girlfriend... she's still there.
And here we see the origins of Batman. Surprise. Yep, he felt the need to protect the innocent and helpless. We didn't see that coming. And yet, somehow Ex-Girlfriend never realized that he was Batman. Even though she saw him fight some random gangsters before he had the cape and cowl.
Ex-Girlfriend isn't very bright. Then again, New Girlfriend is insane. Bruce has terrible taste in women.
Oh and by the way, no blood. Even though one of the gangsters ran over him with a motorcycle.
And some thunderstorms while he talks to himself and some dead people about stuff.
We also see Old Guy some more. Apparently he's a crime boss. He also has some relation to Jerk of The Week (Is Jerk his son?. Nephew?. Cousin?. Friend's Aunt's Son's Wife's Sister's Daughter's Boyfriend?. What is their relation!?. Nobody knows..).
So anyway, they broke up, he became Batman. The end. Oh wait, not the end... drat.
Hey look!. More irrelevant characters.
And The Joker. And he does fun Joker things. And then Old Guy hires Joker to take out Batman. Which may just be the dumbest idea anyone ever had. I mean.... hiring Joker?. What sort of an idiot is this guy?. And how did he survive this long?.

Nevermind. He's dead now. By Joker's hand. And Joker SCARED Mr. Floaty. This could get VERY interesting. Of course, Joker was after Batman. And Mr. Floaty was after Old Guy. So nobody won.
Batman arrives just in time to chase Mr. Floaty for awhile. And then they try to creep each other out.
But Mr. Floaty is feeling the need to win something tonight, so he vanishes in a puff of smoke just in time for the police to show up and blame Batman. ACK!. Time to run away.
After a merry (and physically impossible on both Batman and the police's parts) chase, Batman eventually escapes. By hiding in a building full of flammable gas. Ooh, pwetty explosion. O.O HE BLEEDS!. And crawls around on the floor. Pretty sure this movie is much too violent. I mean... there was... blood O.o. Anyway, he's not doin' too hot, but he gets away. They also destroyed his cape and cowl while they were at it. But he gets away. Because Ex-Girlfriend rescues him (think she knows he's Batman yet?). Oh, and by the way, no more Crazy Girl. Ex-Girlfriend is now Girlfriend again.
And she talks to her dead mother too. Two for the price of one, Bruce is on a roll.

And now for a scene with Jerk and Joker. Guess who's frightened. That's right, not Joker.
And Joker is annoyed with Jerk, but very pleased with himself.
Because he knows Batty is innocent (oh great, his worst enemy is one of the only three people who believe he's innocent: Alfred, Girlfriend and Joker. Poor Bats, no wonder he's crazy).
For some reason, he finds this hilariously funny. And this disturbs Jerk. Gee, I wonder why?.
Jerk is also a little slow on the uptake. Joker pretty much says three times that Batty is innocent before he finally goes “Someone else killed them?”. Sigh... no wonder Jerkboy lost the girl.
Joker is also greatly amused as he gets to listen while Girlfriend turns him down for lunch over the phone (basically breaking up with him. That's harsh. I mean, it IS Jerkboy, but over the phone?).
Unfortunately for Jerkboy, Joker believes he's actually Mr. Floaty!. 'course, we know better. Jerk of The Week would never be smart enough (or scary enough) to pull it off.
Instead of killing him though, Joker infects him with the “Uncontrollable Laughter Spray”. Joker's favorite. So now Jerkboy is laughing himself silly in a hospital.
Unfortunately for him, it's nighttime. And the doctors left him alone. We all know that Batsy wants to converse right about now. And that's not as fun as Joker.
Batsy gets the answers he wants, then leaves so that the hospital staff and come back and calm down the giggling Jerkboy again.

Batman invades Girlfriend's apartment for no apparent reason, only to be attacked by The Joker.
Though apparently he was actually aiming for Girlfriend (what a shocker, actually trying to kill the person who LIVES there?. No way!).

Off to see Girlfriend hangin' out in “the house of the future”. Which is now all old and broken and forgotten and messy. And, oh by the way, that's where Joker met with Old Guy.
But we don't care. Time for a useless flashback. Guess what, Girlfriend's father got killed. And she broke up with Bruce (so why was SHE mad at HIM?. I don't know).
Ooh, Joker, staying at the house of the future, is being visited by Mr. Floaty.
Hmmm... I'm guessing at this point, Mr. Floaty may actually be Girlfriend.
Either that or he's going to kidnap Girlfriend for no apparent reason.
But this could be entertaining. The Joker vs. Mr. Floaty.
And what do ya know, Joker's not as dumb as he looks. Mr. Floaty is actually *dun dun dun!* Girlfriend!. We're all shocked and surprised, I know.
Time for an impracticality battle. Who has the most impractial weapon of them all?.
And it's JOKER!. With the bologna. He escapes, but both naturally survive.

But it ain't over yet. Girlfriend follows Joker, only to be attacked by a giant fan. Looks like it's Joker's ball game. Of course, Girlfriend is completely out of costume by this time. Fortunately, she seems to be wearing ample clothing underneath that Grim Reaper outfit.
It's Ignorant, Lovestruck Batsy to the rescue!. At the last instant, he sacrifices his batcycle to save the girl!. Poor Batcycle. It was so young, so innocent in all of this. Sniffle.
Poor Joker is greatly disappointed and leaves, without Batsy seeing him (probably busy crying over his batcycle while Girlfriend picks herself up and dusts herself off. Both are FAR more important than catching The Joker).
Oopsie, Batsy isn't as lovestruck as we thought he was. He realizes that Girlfriend is actually Mr. Floaty. Poor Bats. Betrayed again.
And she tries to win him over with her crazy evil-person talk about revenge. Revenge is always bad. Unless you're wearing the Batsuit.
Aaannnnddd she leaves. Again. And Joker comes back to play.
Batman wants to play, as always. They have a fun little battle in a miniature version of Gotham City.
Made by Warner Brothers. The symbol was everywhere.
There is blood. For those of you who have seen Hot Fuzz, think the fight from that involving miniature buildings. Only... more PG. And also more comedic (it's JOKER, of COURSE it's more comedic!).
For the rest of you.... well... use your imagination.
Among other things, Joker looses a tooth and Batman fends off some mini helicopters with his cape.
They fight for about ten minutes (and do a variety of stupid things).
After they successfully beat each other senseless, Girlfriend (Ex-Girlfriend?) returns to try to kill The Joker, again (that's not fair. She took a coffee break and let Batman do all the real work!).
Batman, naturally, has to stop her. I mean, you can't have Batman without Joker. It's wrong.
Ex-Girlfriend wants everybody to stay for lunch. Or a giant explosion that will kill them all. Whichever. She obviously has deep feelings for Bruce if she's willing to let him die with her and Joker.
For some reason, Joker finds this hilarious. Even though his death is part of the plan.
Maybe he thought she was joking (I'm sorry, but it had to be said at some point).
Then, for no reason, Ex-Girlfriend poofs herself and Joker into... somewhere else, leaving Batsy to try to escape the explosion all by himself (yep, she's definitely a keeper. You always want a girlfriend who tries to kill you just because you happen to be there at the time).
Somehow, Batsy survives. Yep, there were some sewer tunnels. And he used them to escape into the ocean. Then he goes home and sits under a blanket for awhile (or was it his cape?).
Alfred talks at him for awhile, trying to make him not feel guilty (that's like telling fire not to burn stuff. Not using water on it, just talking to it and telling it that burning stuff is wrong).
He sees a shiny thing and wanders off.
Yep, you guessed it. Ex-Girlfriend's ring, stuffed into the wall of the batcave.
Why?. We don't know. Time for some crying and sad music.

POOF!. Look, random strangers on a boat. And Ex-Girlfriend staring off to sea.
Some nice stranger talks to her and she just says sad things at him.
Aaannnnddd Batman's on a building. Moping. As usual.
But wait!. BAT SIGNAL!. YAY!. ZOOM!.
And what happened to The Joker?. We'll never know. But we do know this: nobody (and I mean NOBODY) can kill The Joker. Believe me, it's been tried before.
End Credits time!. And the song is.... some really sappy sounding love song. Ewewewew!. KILL IT!.

Bonus: Uses For Robin (who did not appear in this film)
Robin's main function is to make Batman look good. He can do this in several ways:
  1. By getting kidnapped and needing rescue (for when damsel's are in short supply).
  2. By getting hurt and needing rescue (good for when bad guys need to escape).
  3. By getting hurt and making Batman feel guilty (good for a “Batman's having a bad day” story).
  4. By randomly not being smart enough to figure something out and needing Batman to tell him.
  5. Having a sudden Teenager/Orphan crisis that Batman needs to talk him out of.
  6. Randomly suddenly disagreeing with Batman so that Batty looks smart when he's right.
Other functions include:
  1. Acting as the second person when plans require two or more people to work.
  2. Being surprised that Batman is alive after something happens (or being the only person who believes he's alive).
  3. Allowing villains to make bird jokes at him (and then punching them).
  4. Fitting into spaces too small for Batman to go.
  5. Saying something smart when Batman isn't there to say it himself.
  6. Declaring things Holy. Such as: Sardines, Nightmares, Missiles and anything else even remotely related to the plot (Note: Only applies to Robin from the 60s). For instance, had this movie been a 60s Batman and had he been in it, he might have said something along the lines of "Holy Smokes" or "Holy Floaty Pants!" or maybe "Holy Grim Reaper!". Also quite possible are "Holy Flashback" and "Holy Dead Guys". I could go on, but you get the picture.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Yes, I Am Here

What can I say?. I enjoy writing random things nobody actually WANTS to read.
Because it is currently late and I can't think of anything to say, I won't say anything right now.
Maybe later.