Thursday, October 7, 2010

People In Spandex & Biker Helmets: The Movie part 1

Written on: Sept 7th, 2010

Okay, I've actually seen some Power Rangers in the past. I want you all to know that I thought it was very stupid. But I also found it to be hilarious and original in its stupidity. This did not make me call it “good”. But some series were less fun than others.
This is Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie. An hour and forty minute live action film made in 1997.
Since this is, like, an hour longer than the others I've done, it may be longer. Or I may skip more. It all depends on if anything awesome happens.
As always, there will be spoilers. And this will hopefully prevent you from watching this movie seriously, if not from watching it at all. If you intend to watch this movie seriously (you weird person, you), then you should seriously stop now and go home. But please refrain from diving out of your chair to do so. That would be silly.
Oh yeah, and I will make references to lots of sci-fi/fantasy films. Hopefully all of them will be famous enough for you to recognize. If they aren't.... well I'm sorry.

Our story begins. With some slllloooooowwwwwllllyyyy creeping text that struggles up the screen and some guy trying to talk in a really deep voice.
So there's this guy called Lerigot (but the narrator says it so weirdly that it sounds like Larry-Boy, which is how I shall refer to him from here on because it's more fun and my spell check doesn't reject it) and he's a wizard. And he's got a magic key that does stuff. And he's being chased around by Captain Evil- err Divatox (Botox?. That's what it sounds like). She wants to do evil things. You know, unleash monsters on the world, rule with an iron fist, that sort of thing. But she needs the magic key, naturally. Because she's a pirate and thus has no magic of her own (do pirates do the whole “rule the world” thing?. I wasn't aware of that).
She plans to join with him in a sinister marriage (yes, they said exactly that, I didn't even have to make that up). And, you know, she'll bring some terror to the galaxy. Evil-type stuff.
So Larry-Boy must escape his planet and find some powerful friends. And yes, he is going to earth to find them (why does everyone go there?. I mean, I know there are all sort of fictional heroes there, but, just once, it would be awesome if someone ran to Vulcan or The Vogon Homeworld. Or Alderaan. Maybe Abydos?. Yeah, I'm running out of sci-fi movies. I'll stop now. I had a lot of time to think of these. The text was SO slow. And the narrator guy faking a super-deep voice didn't help any).
And now....
SMASH!. Lightning movie title!. Much less epic than I just made it sound. It just kinda.... sat there and zapped a little bit.

And now, a moment with the stars. Look, stars!. Oh yeah, and that green planet down there (I hope they were intentionally ripping off Star Wars, because this was a very elaborate accident if they weren't).
And.... unfocus..... focus...... ARROWHEAD!. Yeah. The planet turned into an arrowhead. Sorta.
It's all glowy and green. And highly distracting from what is quite probably the silliest looking arrowhead ever. I hope they don't want to hit anything with that. I don't believe it will fly.
And now we pan slowly up the shaft and listen to some evil dude laughing (how do we know he's evil?. It's that evil laugh that ONLY evil people do. Because nobody else is physically capable. Yes, that is how you identify an evil person. If you ever need to, just tell them a joke and see if they laugh maniacally). This evil dude has a very thick glove. I gotta wonder: how is he moving his fingers?. That glove is like... stuffed with cotton. Dude, that arrow will never fly.
The camera cuts to a green tinted tree (I won't write it every time, so I'll just say it now: this entire planet is tinted green. Like the head in the Wizard of Oz green. Yeah, that green).
Mr. Evil makes a comment that informs you that he's gonna kill the wizard... who we assume is that log over there that the camera guy keeps showing us (I again question that weird crossbow thing... it's more like a pistol with a wacky arrow on top and some springs. That arrow will never fly, I'm tellin' ya. It isn't physically possible, like it's impossible for the hero to laugh evilly. It ain't gonna happen).
TWANG!. Oh wait... correction: EXPLOSION!. O.O it flew. And exploded.
And made some horses scream and rear up (where did they come from?). Omigosh, is that a hobbit behind that log!?. Wait, no... it's.... a Ferengi?. Or maybe it's Ms. Piggy?. What IS it!?.
Don't tell me THAT'S the wizard!. That's an Ewok wearing a human mask!.
Oh, about the ponies. Evil guy was on one. And he has a little friend on another pony (so now you know. Horses are aliens. You have been warned).
RUN LITTLE DEFORMED HOBBIT!. Run from the giant horses with stuffed horns on their heads and weird helmet things!. Run for your life!. It's a proven fact that hobbits are faster than horses.
Some guys leap out of the bushes and yell and grunt. What they should be saying “Our silly hats will prevail!. Our hats are much sillier than your face and far more impractical!. We can't even see through these masks!”.
I'm thinkin' Larry-Boy is secretly a Furby.
Run Larry!. Run from the demon horses!. They're making elk noises now!. FLEE!.
Oh look!. A bush. They'll never find you in there. It's not like they're hacking through the bushes over.... oh crap. RUN!. That's right. Into the only open place in this entire green place.
Where the guys on ponies can get you. They're making elk noises again.
Hehe.... anyway.
So one of the guys on ponies shoots at Larry to make him stop running. His arrow lands, like, five feet in front of his horse and explodes. He has got to be the worst shot EVER.
It's not a warning shot when you scare your horse instead of the Dwarf.
Oh no!. He's surrounded!. What ever shall he do?. It's not like he has a magic teleporter in his coat pocket that will transport him instantly to where he needs to go..... oh wait, yes he does.
Why didn't he just use that BEFORE the guys surrounded him and nearly killed him?.
NOW they know he teleported somewhere, instead of just thinking he turned himself into a log.

And now, for some punching bags. Oh, and the guy hitting them. And some guys boxing in an arena.... without any protective gear on. Are they TRYING to kill each other?.
Okay, they're actually doing random martial arts, looking stuff. In a boxing ring. Yeah.
Please note that there are only THREE people in the entire exercise.... place who aren't wearing white. They're wearing black, green and blue respectively. They couldn't be... of course not. Don't be silly.
Random teacher guy is yelling at the one in blue because he can't hit anything. His name is Rocky (Are you thinking what I'm thinking?. That's right: 3 Ninjas :D).

YAY!. School bus!. Wow, half a mile away and we can still hear the yelling children....o.o
No wait.... they're.... they're.... singing.... Row Row Row Your Boat O.o....
Hey look, a teenage girl wearing pink is directing the singing. She's not?. No, definitely not.
“Come on, small sulky child!. Sing with us!.” Okay, that's not what she said. But she should have.
But he doesn't want to sing the same words over and over. GASP!. Something must be WRONG!.
“Hey, kid, tell me all your secrets!.” Wait, that's not what she said either. But it's what she meant.
Hey, a girl WAY too old to be on this bus is back there. She's wearing yellow. No way she could be related to anything in the plot. It's impossible.

Back to the arena. Rocky is a grumpy fellow and wants to do the exact opposite of what coach told him to do. The guy in green doesn't like that idea.
He somehow flies out of the arena and lands on his back. OUCH!. Well, that's what you get for ignoring the guy who has SOME clue what he's doing.
How did you get to be a Power Ranger anyway? (*slap* the audience doesn't know that yet!). Sorry.
I know!. Let's all crowd around his face!. That's a great plan!. It's not like he needs to breath or anything!. Now, everyone breath deeply and yell at him that it'll be alright.
He'll believe you!. Especially if you sound panicked when you yell for help. Not like, call a doctor or anything. It would be IMPOSSIBLE for one of the three people crouching around his head to call a doctor. They all need to stay there and breath on him.... er, I mean... “comfort”. Yeah. That's it.
Hey look!. School children!. Apparently they thought something was cool.
Maybe the song they were singing in the bus?. Or maybe they saw blue guy fall and break himself?.
That was totally sweet and physically impossible too!.
Wow, the paramedics sure got there fast for nobody calling them.
Sulky Kid knows Blue Guy apparently.
But the girl in yellow tells him to stay on the stairs. In front of the horde of other children.
That's safe.
And then she follows Pink Girl in a made dash down the stairs. Didn't their mother ever tell them how stupid that is and how likely it is they will fall and kill themselves?.
That won't help Blue Guy at all!.

Meanwhile, on planet Greenworld....
Camera guy takes us sight-seeing to some of the most devastated regions ever. The buildings are right by the water's edge. I can guess what happened. When the summer rains it... flooding.
Massive flooding. I'm sure Lady Evil.... er Divatox... caused it, somehow.
Bloop!. And underwater we have a giant mechanical salmon. This majestic creature is the last of its kind. It feeds on oil and spare parts which it filters from the water by taking in mouthfuls of water and then filtering it out through tooth-like.... oh. Never mind. I was talking about mechanical whales. Sorry.
Dramatic music!.
Inside the salmon are the guys in silly hats. And a woman throwing a temper tantrum. She's either Lady Evil or her daughter. But, since Lady Evil isn't married, she probably doesn't have a daughter (this movie is for children. Even evil people have to get married before they have kids. It's the law).
That is.... the weirdest leather suit ever. I don't think she's child safe. Especially with that purple bush growing out of her head.... oh wait, that's her hair. She could kill someone with that.
And you KNOW you can't kill somebody in a kids movie. She's not child-safe!.
EEP!. She cut off her right hand-man's right hand!. Oh... it was mechanical. No blood. It's okay.
A big rawry thing caught his hand. He's like... that big monster dog in Return of The Jedi. Except less drooly. For those of you who haven't seen it: think hunch-backed orangy-brown thing with crocodile teeth and beady eyes. Except he's got a Romulan costume. With REALLY high shoulders.
They pass around some bad jokes. And Lady Evil yells at them. And she has a plan and a pet eel.
I'm serious. It's name is Eely. And it sounds like a sickly parrot.

Back on Earth....
Omigosh!. The meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs just crashed to Earth!!!!....EXPLOSION!. Oh wait, it's just Larry. There was an explosion though.
He's a few million years too late to wipe out the dinosaurs. But maybe he can attract Lady Evil to Earth and wipe out the surviving species. That's an excellent plan.
He scared some giraffes and a couple of kudu. Why does everything start in Africa?.
Why couldn't it start in New Zealand or Tasmania?. You know, some place like that?. Ooh or Greenland!. I mean... he came from Greenworld, why not go to Greenland? (*slap* that was a horrible joke). Sorry (well... just don't do it again).
ACK!. He landed in a nest of mutant birds!. EW!. EW!. Get 'em off!. Get 'em off!. No, don't PET them!. They're NOT cute!. They're demonic!. They want to eat your brain! (assuming you have one).
SEE!?. They're pecking you!. They want to eat you!. Wait.... did you just go 'thunk'?. What are you made of?. Rocks?. Ew. And if you're made of rocks, how is that tree branch supporting your weight?.
Ah well, I guess that answers the brain question anyway.
That's right, fall out of the tree. Away from the demon birds. Hey, maybe you can find a hungry lion to direct you to America, where you ACTUALLY need to be (I'm sorry, but that's where the Power Rangers LIVE).
RUN AWAY!. The demon birds can see you!.
Hey look!. A lion!. Ask him where to find America!. Quick before he eats you!.
Or you could just use the Force to make him think you're not the meal he's looking for. That works too.

Aye yi yi!. It's the little robot that says that a lot, Zordon!. Quick, save Larry-Boy!. He's the only one who can make it shut up!. Okay, actually, the robot just fills him in on... basically what we already know. It's for those people with short term memory loss. It's an actual problem.
He's such a considerate robot.
Yep. And Zordon states the obvious. Find the Rangers and tell them to go help Larry-Boy. Because apparently Earth is a very unhealthy place to be when you're a mangled Furby. Probably because it was Earth children who mangled you in the first place. Actually.... I JUST realized what he looks like.
One of those Trollz dolls. Except with a beard.

Meanwhile, at the hospital.
Sulky Kid goes to see Blue Guy. But Blue Guy is sleeping and then he hears people coming and dives under the bed. Because that's what you do. I guess he wasn't supposed to be in there?.
Yep. It's Pink Girl, Yellow Girl, Green Guy and Black Guy (or is it red guy now?. He's wearing a black shirt, but a red jacket.... stupid guy!. Stop confusing the children!).
They talk about depressing things. Like a contest they can't win now (???. What contest?.).
Under the bed, Sulky Kid is getting ideas (by the way, his name is Justin, for those of you who wanted to know. So far we haven't heard any of the other main characters names. Maybe they're not important?. Or maybe we're eliminating Blue Guy so Justin can take his place as.... Tiny Ranger!. Sorry, but he's like... eight at most. Which makes him WAY shorter than the other people).
Hey, Power Rangers tune!. It's somebody's phone....or his watch anyway.
Go, go Power Rangers! (shut up you stupid song. Don't you DARE get stuck in my head).
They want to stay with Blue Ranger (it's okay, you know they're Power Rangers now). But he tells 'em to get lost. I don't think he likes them. Or maybe he's planning something dumb.
And, in case the watch wasn't proof enough, Sulky Kid gets to watch them sparkle away.
Yeah, I think this whole scene was so Sulky Kid could find out they're Power Rangers and tell the world.... or maybe keep the secret forever. Whichever.
Whoa.....his eyes got REALLY huge. Like... Anime huge!.
And then he bonks his head on the bed. Blue Guy is not deaf.
“You guys are the Power Rangers?” Yeah, Sulky Kid... like they'd be anything else. Didn't you notice the colors they wear?. Or that the pink and yellow wearing ones are the girls... like the Power Rangers?.
Or that they ACT like the Power Rangers?. By the way, how is Sulky Kid related to Blue Guy?.
Are they cousins?. Brothers?. Best friends?. What?. TELL ME!.

Meanwhile, Zordon tells the Power Rangers... exactly what we ALREADY know.
Yeah. It's important. Kids have to hear things over and over or they forget. Or maybe they just like the Zordon voice?. I don't know.
HEY!. I've got the best idea EVER!. Since we've already got a Ranger down, let's split up!. Two of us will stay behind and two of us will go!.
QUICK!. Before Larry-Boy melts in the sun's rays (he's like... the reverse of Superman).
So yeah... the dude who was wearing black earlier?. He's Red Ranger (but Black Ranger is the most awesomest one *pouts*. Because he's wearing BLACK, which is the least silly color when you're trying to look cool in spandex. Then again, we're talkin' SPANDEX).
ZAP!. To Africa with us!. Yes, just us two. It's not like we get defeated every single time we split up or anything (okay, I admit, that might not always be true, but it has been with every episode I've watched).

So Larry-Boy is trekking through the jungle when he meets a chimp. It's not a very nice chimp. It throws rocks at him (better than poo. Can you imagine trying to get that out of the Trollz fluff he's got on his head?). Oh no!. He's being surrounded by chimps!. They're going to take him to see King Louie and force him to teach them to make fire!. Or... maybe they'll just look at him funny and dance.
I love how the chimps are nicer than the baby birds.

Back inside the salmon....
“Rawr!. I have GIANT glowing eyes!. Or maybe I just found Larry-Boy”. Okay, he didn't say that.
Yep, they found out that Larry is on Earth. Sounds like a fun place to visit.
Maybe Lady Evil can work on her tan. You don't get much sun inside a giant mechanical fish.
Okay... apparently she doesn't want to marry the Trollz Doll (neither would I) to get his power. She wants to steal his key so she can unlock the magic dungeon universe and free her super-evil fiance.
Sounds like a party. They should totally do that.
I just realized that she only has a half mask. Yeah. Over one side the top half of her face.
It's awesome. Or pointless. Or awesomely pointless :D.

Okay, forgive my.... weirdness.... but... that outfit does not properly contain her boobs. They keep bouncing. A LOT. It's very distracting. Especially when they do a close up on the lower half of her face so you can see her and her right-hand man in a close up together (he's short... about boob level. Maybe that's why he's not paying attention). I'm sorry. I'll stop giving you these mental images now....

After much pointless bickering, they teleport the salmon to Earth (it seems everyone has a teleporter on Greenworld. It's probably standard issue. I SO want to live on Greenworld. Well, long enough to get one of those. Then I'm totally teleporting back to Earth. I mean, these idiots build their cities on the water line. Which means that every time it rains, the flooding is up to the ceiling. Then the roof starts leaking. Major mold and rust issues. And some algae. Ew, no wonder the world is green.

Hey look!. A baseball game!. Because that's totally related.
YAY!. Crazed fans!. Including a random policeman! (okay, yes, policemen probably watch sports. And yes, they're usually at games while on duty to keep a riot from starting. But no, not usually at the same time. That guy should totally be fired for not doing his job. Just sayin').
Or maybe the hotdog stealing policemen. They should be fired too.
Or maybe they should just fire every single policeman at this game. And any policewomen they find too. On the grounds that they were probably being stupid too.
Captain Policeguy hates to repeat himself. He hates to repeat himself.
Okay, apparently they're SUPPOSED to be fail policemen. Not JUST policemen. I feel better now.
I also admit that the scene was kinda funny and unexpected. So yeah... I it's hard to make fun of something that was already funny. Moving on.

HEY!. VULTURES!. YAY!. Vultures!. No, literally, vultures.
And here we are, trekking through the jungle in our impractical clothing (why didn't they turn into Power Rangers?. Wouldn't that be more protective against.... you know, horribly diseased mosquitoes?).
Pink Ranger has an Australian accent all of a sudden. She didn't have that before o.o.

And with Zordon, Yellow Ranger has spotted a flying fish in the sky. Whatever she's been smoking, she needs to quit. Oh wait... there IS a giant fish in the sky.
Let us worry about the people we sent into the jungle alone. And without any spandex on.

Now, back to our Failmen. They're in the dark. Mumbling about how everyone hates them.
Probably because they're morons. And now they're arguing about whether to go left or right.
Ooh, flashing light!. Drive away, drive away!. SMASH INTO BUILDING!. SCREAM LIKE GIRLS!. Oh wait... not that last bit. Scream like manly fail people. Similar.
Some stupid stuff happens which I would rather not discuss because it wasn't funny and there's no way to make it funny. And then they get abducted by aliens (what?. It's TRUE).

Meanwhile, at a peaceful waterfall....
Red Ranger and Pink Ranger are still following the signal towards Larry-Boy.
Pink Ranger is thirsty, so she drinks out of the most ridiculously small container of water in the history of the known universe. It was like.... a thimble full of water.
Maybe the magic packs they're carrying shrunk the water, so there's actually more water in there than it seems like?. I dunno, but I could drink the entire container and still die of thirst, I'm pretty sure.
And, by the way, Pink Ranger's accent is gone again. She complains about the sun for awhile (Lady, you're in a jungle, completely shaded by trees. WHY are you complaining about the sun?. Heat, yes. But sun?. You're in the shade!).
Somehow, she sits down next the largest, creepiest python EVER. She leaps away and falls off a cliff. But it's okay, she grabbed a handy dandy tree root (Tree: OW!!!. Why do people always DO that to me!?. Why can't they just grab a rock?. Or better yet, fall to their death!. Me: Shut up, this is a kids movie. No death allowed). She screams for Red Ranger (His name is Tommy. Her name is Kat. Green Ranger is Adam. We know these things now). But he's busy being attacked by a giant (and rather sleepy looking) python.
So she has to save herself. As the tree root breaks dramatically (Tree: OOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!. OWOWOWOW!!!!. OH WHY!?. WWWHHHHYYYY!!!!????), she turns Ranger and plunges to her watery.... oh wait, she's alive. No watery grave.
Meanwhile, Red Ranger is still being attacked by the tremendous, but half asleep, snake.
He escapes and does an excellent nose dive off the cliff.
With epic music, he falls and rescues Pink Ranger. Who apparently can't swim. And is no longer in her spandex (secret Ranger weakness: uniforms are not water resistant).
Epic rescue time!.

Meanwhile, in the dark.... wherever this place is...
The salmon has landed. Like a stork, but less delivering of elephants and more delivering of evil.
Apparently, they kidnapped the two policemen because they needed two humans with purity and strength. Purity from what exactly, we have no idea. But strong?. They're definitely strong. In stupid.
The stupid is strong within them. And I don't think the brain scrambling really did anything to them.
Lady Evil is not satisfied. She wants SMART people. Like.... the two Rangers wandering in the forest maybe?. Hmmm.... nah, they'll never find Red Ranger and Pink Ranger. Impossible.
However, speaking of Rangers....

In the jungle, Pink Ranger limps along with Red Ranger. They're still following the stupid tracking device (how did he keep hold of that thing during the wild river rescue?. Is it like, glued to his hand?).
Her accent is back. Somehow, they're still going the right way. But Larry is dying from sun exposure.
Pink Ranger plays Captain Obvious for the scene and says “we've got to hurry”. I think for the express purpose of using that accent that keeps doing the disappearing act.

Meanwhile, the chimps are still leading Larry around. Maybe they're taking him to meet Tarzan?.
BOO!. Rangers for you! (how did the chimps know he needed to find the Rangers?. How did they even know the Rangers were there?. I mean, since they did, the reason is obvious. They want that freakin' life-size Trollz Doll outta their jungle. It's scaring their children!).
Larry talks at them. He sounds like a gargling cat. EW!. KILL IT!.
Larry does the magic healing thing to injured Pink Ranger with sparkles (really, everything good sparkles in this movie, so I shouldn't have to say it. Evil explodes).
Now we can teleport back home. The chimps are ecstatic (Chimps: YAY!. FINALLY!. Get that creepy thing out of our jungle!. It's uglier than the demonic birds that live in our trees!).

In the middle of the water....
Lady Evil is doing really crazy spinning with the periscope (can you say “creepy”?).
Hey look!. Two people in a life-raft!. I bet they're smarter than the policeguys! (then WHY are they stranded in the ocean). Shut up and stop ruining my glee (sorry).
Oh wait, they're divers. Whatever. They're looking for the legendary and elusive mechanical salmon which they've heard from local fisherman feeds in these waters on oil spills and toxic waste.
Or, maybe they're looking for sunken ships, I don't know.
It doesn't matter, since they get kidnapped anyway.
Ew, she's going to feed them to her fiance (what is he, a man-eating tiger?). That's so gross. And totally not child-friendly.
The right-hand man opens a trap door and there's an ominous 'thunk' noise.
There, now that we have human dinners, we can go get the Trollz Doll with the Magic Key that opens the Cage to unleash the Man-Eating Tiger from his cage.
To lure him, they have a creepy female Trollz Doll with a baby Ewok in her arms (I'm serious. The thing looked EXACTLY like the baby Ewok in Return of The Jedi).
Apparently, Trollz Dolls are telepathic (that's it, I'm going to get a tin foil hat. I do NOT want those things reading my mind!. While I'm at it, I think I'll put some sunlight in a bottle and keep it on my window sill to ward them off.... okay, that actually only warded off evil spirits, but what else do you think these things are?).

Fortunately, Larry-Boy is in a coma. Which means he won't be speaking or come chasing after his wife, thus running right into a trap.
Drat. He still received the signal. And, apparently, we can watch it on TV.
He's goin' into a seizure. Well, I would too if I had to look at Lady Evil in THAT getup.
I'd also do that if I was told I was married to a Trollz Doll and had an Ewok baby.
Apparently, the two divers she kidnapped are Ex-Power Rangers (how the heck did she know that?. How could she TELL?. Is she psychic?. Creepy).
Oh great, Larry's gargling again. Somebody drown him.

The Ex-Rangers look around their watery prison. And state the obvious. They're in trouble. And have been kidnapped by an evil person.
And then they meet the stupid guys who were also kidnapped.
And I just now realized that the stupid guys are the bullies who were hanging out since the pilot of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (I haz an education :D). And they're talking in weird accents.
Apparently, getting your mind scrambled gives you crazy accents.
More stating of the obvious.

Back to.... Ranger Headquarters?. Where IS this place?. What's it called again?.
Larry and the Aye Yi Yi (Alpha, if I recall) are chittering at each other.
Zordon spews some technobabble at the Rangers. Basically, Lady Evil wants to use the key to go to another dimension so she can unleash great evil (His name's Maligore :D). Was that so hard?.
And guess what?. When you unleash ultimate evil, nothing will be safe.
Now, for some obviousness.
And then Larry prepares to surrender. But we can't let him do that!. Can we?.


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