Thursday, October 7, 2010

People In Spandex & Biker Helmets: The Movie part 2

Written on: Oct 7th, 2010

The epic (fail) continues....

Let us make the obvious more obvious. We can't let Larry-Boy give in to Lady Evil!. That's WRONG!. But she'll kill his family, and our ex-rangers (well duh, but isn't her plan to unleash ultimate evil on the universe?. I'd say your screwed no matter what).
Oh yeah, and we have faith in the ex-rangers (faith that they'll do.... what exactly?. Die horribly?. I like that idea. They should totally get right on that).

SPARKLE!. Yep, we went with Larry-Boy to this eternally dark beach. It seemed like a good idea at the time (Oh, you are SO not holding that thing's hand!. Tell me you-.... you are!. Stop it!. It's creepy!. Besides, you have no idea what horrible diseases it might be carrying!).
And here's what they SHOULD have said, but didn't.
Green Ranger: Hey look!.
Red Ranger: Dude, is that a giant metal salmon?.
Green Ranger: Yeah, I think it is.
Red Ranger: Awesome. I want one!.
(the girls had no part on the grounds that they were holding onto Larry-Boy's hands. They couldn't possibly talk and make physical contact with the Troll at the same time).
What they actually said amounted to this “Crap. It's evil and creepy. Oh look, she's siccing giant chihuahuas riding speed boats made of garbage cans on us” (the guys with silly hats).
Right-Hand Guy yells at them to give up Larry-Boy.
But the Rangers want to negotiate. Larry has other ideas.
He's already teleported himself down to the beach (Rangers: Crap, why didn't anyone tell us he could do that himself?. Then we wouldn't have had to trek through the jungle to get him. Me: awesome!. It's leaving!. Trollz Dolls are like Clowns. Evil and creepy. Rangers: *glares*. Me: What?.).
What do ya know?. The evil guys didn't give us the ex-rangers back!. How rude.
Why are they surprised?. Haven't they been doing the hero thing long enough to know that you NEVER trust crazy giant alien chihuahuas?.
Let us now jump off the cliff. WHHHEEEEEE!!!!!.
And then we'll.... run towards the ocean. Because maybe we can catch up with the speed boats?.
HEY!. They dumped out the “bodies”. SWIM!. Everybody!. Because it'll take all four of us to rescue two people!.
Yep, they're dummies (I mean literally. Dummies. They didn't dump the ACTUAL ex-rangers).
Tommy has lost his tiny mind (Wait.... wasn't Tommy Green Ranger originally?. Or Black Ranger?. Is he still?. I mean... he's never, like... morphed or anything. I just assumed he was Red Ranger because he's the leader and picked up the red backpack when he and Pink Ranger went on their safari {Pink Ranger picked up the pink backpack}. TOMMY!. STOP CONFUSING THE CHILDREN!. It's CRUEL!. Cut it out!).

Do de do, giant salmon. Nothing suspicious here, move along.
Dramatic music. Lady Evil is.... well, being evil. But she can't make the “key” (Lady, that is a WAND, not a key) work properly (I've totally seen this movie. Only the pure of heart can.... wait, that was passing through the magic gateway.... my bad).
Apparently, she already knew that only Larry-Boy could make the “key” work. Which is, naturally, why everyone's alive. Actually, it's because it's a kids movie (sorry, but it's true. They have that “no kill” policy. Like some animal shelters).
I can't say for sure, but I think Wife Troll is being sad. She may just have big lips though.
Anyway, evil plotting. Sad Trollz. And a fly. Don't ask me why.

Down below, the girl Ex-Power Ranger is listening. Yep, she's evil. Sure enough.
Oh yeah. And the stupid guys are still stupid.

Meanwhile, with our... not ex-rangers....
Technobabble!. I order you to do stuff!. I have no idea what it means.
BOOM!. And a Zord is born!. Turbo Zords (what?. They needed SOME excuse for the title right?).
Huh. These zords are.... Transformers!. AWESOME!.
Tommy's wearing red now (STOP IT!. STOP CHANGING COLORS!. STOP!).
And Kat's accent left for parts unknown.
Crap, run!. They're moving on their own!. Okay, they just kinda grin at the “most powerful zords ever created (Until next movie)”. These zords have random names.
YAY!. Oh yeah, and Blue Ranger's zord will be staying behind because he hurt hisself and that zord is sulking until he gets better (meaning you can't combine them into a giant zord. Crap. You're all going to die!). Oh, as a side note, when you enter the Bermuda Triangle (they didn't call it that, but that's what it was), communication will be impossible (Too bad. You're all going to die and nobody will even know).
Hey, new morphers!. Sweet!.
Lines so epic that they're laughable and bad.
Oh yeah. And only together will the morphers be powerful enough to see them safely.... wait... we have no Blue Ranger. Dang.
Why don't they notice this?.
SPARKLESPARKLEZAPPOWRANGERS!. Yeah, that's what happened.
YAY!. We have cooler spandex now!. Oh wait... it's still spandex...
Okay, can we PLEASE go now?.
Now, we have to stand there like we're getting ready to do some yoga while Zordon tells us about a ghost ship that does.... we're not sure. And they have to combine their powers. DUH!.
And all the sensors are gonna be screwed up. Yeah, we get it.
How about now?. Can we go NOW?.

THANK you.
Epic music and fog.... or is it smog?. Where exactly is this?.
Ah, who cares. Look!. Brightly colored hummer-type.... oh, the zords. Right...
Stupid lines. And WHY is everyone out of uniform again?. What was the point of powering up if you're not gonna, you know, stay that way?.

Back with Zordon (NNOOOOOO!!!!!).
Zordon is talkin' to the new guy. Who is also the blue guy (Who can say “Sulky Kid”?).

In the sea of everlasting creepiness....
Stupid obvious conversation. Oh yeah, and Larry-Boy is dying again.

On the land of everlasting creepiness....
Hey look!. Ghost ship!. Let's go!. It'll take us to creepsville!. Oh wait, we're already there...
Oh and here comes Blue Ranger. Time for.... yeah, we're not surprised at all really.
Crap, we've got an eight year old on the team. He got a crash-course in driving.
But has NO idea what's going on. Great. He'll be helpful... anyway, on the ship with us!.

Let's all wander around on this creepy ship. There might be something creepy here.
Yep. It's creepy out here. Ya know, haunted and all that.
You're sure this was a good idea, right?.
Hey look, a locked box. I know, let's pry it open!.
Looks like the morphers will control the ship. AWESOME!. Oh, and Pink Ranger has that accent again.
And now it's gone.
And the haunted ship mans itself and sets sail for parts unkn-... oh right, we do know where we're going. Never mind.
This music is entirely TOO cheerful for a haunted ship.
Stop IT. EW!. Now there's singing!. “there's hope for the world!. Hope for the world!. Hope for the world!”.... only if he shuts up. He seriously needs to not sing while he's being strangled...

Back to the metal salmon (Bravo!. You stopped the guy from singing *applauds*).
Evil music plays.
Lady Evil is talking to herself in the mirror (scratch that. She's Lady Crazy).
Hey, the sensors aren't completely screwed up!. They detected humans!.
Apparently it's important to know WHAT they're traveling on/in. Because... I don't know (can't you just... follow the signal to the humans and kill them?. Do you really need to know if they're on a barge or a speedboat or some freakin' dolphins?).
She releases..... missiles?. Giant grenades?. Bowling balls?. What ARE those?. I bet they explode.

Haunted Boat time.
This is the lamest haunted thing EVER. It's not scaring anyone. It's HELPING the heroes.
Ooh, but its got giant sea slugs attached to it! (is that what the salmon released?. Gross). They're makin' heartbeat noises and squeaking. That can't be a good sign.
Sulky Kid- ahm, I mean “Blue Ranger” is looking over the side of the boat. He looks sea sick.

And now for a fashion question. Pink Ranger is wearing the world's shortest short shorts. But she's also got a jacket wrapped around her like she's cold. WHY isn't she wearing longer pants?.
And now, back to our story.

Pink Ranger and.... Questionable Blue Ranger talk at each other.
Apparently Sulky Kid is an orphan (why didn't they SAY so earlier?. Since it wasn't a secret from the Rangers. Ugh, oh well).
Meanwhile, the sea slugs are happily spreading over the ship. Not that anyone notices.
They talk some more (the people, not the slugs).

EW, EW, EW!. The slugs opened!. It's letting out the- OMIGOSHWHATTHEHELLISTHAT!?.

Ahem... peaceful heart to heart conversation. Hugz. Happiness.


And now Pink Ranger is going back down below. What was the purpose of this conversation again?.


Down below.... nobody is sleeping. She lied to him.
Everyone is happy. And calm. And not at all noticing the HUGEMONSTERTHINGS that are growing on their ship. Nope. Nothing to worry about here. Lalalala.... :D.

They're.... they're.... stegosaurus/turtle/gorilla hybrids with demonic eyes and snake tongues?.
Wow. Much less scary than when they were hatching...
The kid FINALLY turns around and sees them.
He doesn't, like, scream or anything. He's just mildly disturbed.
Oh. He's too scared to scream. Okay, whatever. That works too.

Green Ranger has superhearing! (then WHY didn't he hear those things snarling and sliming about when they were hatching!?). Green Ranger to the- oh... the kid's just fine. He's beating up on the scary things. Ah well. So much for “the rescue”. I'll just stand here and- holy mutated creatures!. There's more of them!. He does a really impractical flip and knocks the beast into a bell.
NOW everybody else notices (didn't they notice when he, you know, left?).
It's fight the creatures time!. No, there will be no morphing in this scene.
Stop pouting. I said STOP!. You're just jealous because their flailing is both more effective and sillier looking than yours, even when they aren't wearing clashing spandex outfits.
NOOOO, the singing guy is BAAACCKKK!!!....
YAY!. VICTORY! (yes, I'm yaying because their victory made the guy stop singing).

Now, back to our salmon.
The Ex-Rangers are trying to escape. Yay them. If they were going to, wouldn't they have managed it.... you know, sooner?.
Dude Ex-Ranger: I know!. I've got the perfect plan!. We'll break a hole in this sub, and swim to the surface!.
Girl Ex-Ranger: Dude, you're crazy!.
Dude: Well... yeah.
Girl: Let's totally do that.
That's the conversation they COULD have had. But they ARE going to do that totally sweet suicidal plan. It will be awesome.
Hey, there's lightning in this water. Cool.

Above, but still in the salmon....
There is craziness as they near their destination.

Lower down.
Oh darn!. When you take off all the bolts holding the seal shut, it leaks!.
Never saw THAT coming! (now you see why they are EX-Rangers. They're not the brightest crayon in the box).

At the surface.
Hey, it's daylight. Crud, we're going into a lightning storm. WHY is ultimate evil always in a dark, lightning-ish place?. Why not somewhere nice and sunny?.
(Side note: anyone else noticing that this sounds like a totally different movie?)

In the salmon...
Oh drat!. The storm is shaking the sub around!. It threw Eely in the air!. Poor Eely!. Someone catch him, quick before he splats!. I am so not cleaning that up if you- oh good, you caught him.

Further down.
The sub is leaking!. The sub is leaking!.
Obvious dialogue: NOW!.

In all three places: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! (lightning storm, ship flailing about like a dying sea urchin, sub leaking, that kind of thing).
Alright, who's idea WAS this?. Who EVER thought this was a good place to go!?.

Lady Evil wants Larry to open the evil portal to evil land. He doesn't want to, so she steals the baby Ewok from the Mother Troll. Mother Troll squeals like an angry parrot.
Larry-Boy gargles unhappily. Then he agrees and gargles a tune that seems to show up in every fantasy film ever created in one way or the other.
Super-Gargling!. SPARKLE!. Portal opens!. More Gargling.

Down below, they're trying to pry the door open (weren't they just trying to hold it closed?. Why can't they make up their minds?. And, while we're on that note, why did they say they couldn't morph?. They're WEARING MORPHERS!). Shut up and stop ruining our epicness.
Never mind. The stupid guys did it for me. But not by saying that.

Lady Evil suddenly realizes that her sub is sinking. Just now?. Seriously?. That red alert alarm has been going off for like... three cuts now. Everyone panic!.

Meanwhile, we need the keys to enter the portal with Lady Evil and the others.
Lets all go below and let the most helpless of us (Pink Ranger) go get the keys. Good plan.
Isn't it the leader's job to do suicidally dangerous things?.
Skip to when Pink Ranger arrives with the keys.
In an epic case of phail, Blue Ranger drops his key, which immediately slides behind the only immovable objects in the room. Niiice.
Epic struggling to reach small object. And lightning outside.
VICTORY!. Now everyone touch your morphers together and.... massive sparkle!.
Well that was fun.

In the water filled basement of the submarine...
They're going to drown BEFORE they get outside to the 100 foot deep water that they have to swim out of.... (question: wouldn't water that deep.... like, crush your lungs or something?).
Now, let's free the morons.... no, not US. We're already “free”. The OTHER morons.
Now, I just have to quote one of them, because the line was awesome “Sweem out. Like a leetle guppay”. Yeah, they're normal....
Now, everybody sweem out like a leetle guppay!. Hurry, before you're out of breath!.
And yes, they do all swim with their eyes open (this is SALT water. I don't see how).
Oops. An emergency hatch just shut Ex-Ranger Dude in. Too bad. It was his plan and he has to stay behind. No fair!.
Lady Evil isn't terribly pleased about there only being one snack left.
That snack looks eerily pleased with himself, despite the near-drowning and the fact that he's still about to be fed to a man-eating tiger full of ultimate evilness. Yeah, I wouldn't be that cheerful about it.

And on the surface... wow, no lightning storm here?. I would have thought there would be epic lightning in the dimension that has the cage for ultimate evil. I mean really.
Hey look, an island!. No, not a shadowed island. Just an island.
You know, this whole dimension where they keep evil stuff just isn't as creepy as I expected it to be.
I mean, kids movie yeah, but this is much less creepy than the boat when they first got on it.
It's not creepy at all!. I'd vacation on that island if it didn't have the cage for evil dude.
Some stupid pointless lines.
Wait, what?. The cage is in a volcano in the serpent's temple!?. What the heck?. Why didn't they say this stuff earlier!?.

The fish surfaces and looks ominous. Not that anybody sees or cares except maybe the stuff on the island. Assuming living things are there. I assume so. Serpent's Temple sounds like snakes to me.

Inside the fish, Larry-Boy seems to be dazed and unresponsive. Oh well. Who cares?.
Uh... who's the Jedi in the back- Oh, it's just Ex-Ranger Dude. They gave him a Jedi cloak.. but... why?.
Is it like putting frosting on a cake?. To make him more delicious?.
He's got that whole Jedi look down pat. I can see he wanted to be in Star Wars.
Power Rangers must have been such a disappointment to him. No wonder he quit.
He was probably on his way to Tatooine (what?. Phantom Menace was the same year!) when she kidnapped him. Dang, now he'll never get to be in the movie. Poor guy.
Hey!. People!. Oh wait, dang it. Yeah, Lady Evil throws a temper tantrum about the fact that the Power Rangers JUST. WON'T. DIE!. On the other hand, we just clearly demonstrated that they are replacable with small children when you need all five for something, so it wouldn't be too bad even if she DID manage to kill them. Zordon would just get new ones.
O.o Eep!. Lady Evil has just called a really squeaky shrieking woman for help!.
Apparently, we should know who she is..... I don't. I'm sure someone does (for those of you who might be able to guess, here's more info: Her name is Rita. Or something like that anyway).
But... yeah, no advice from her. Just a snoring knight. Yeah, that's what I said.
So yeah, that scene was pointless.

And on the beach, we have some palm trees. And... some other jungle plants...
Ooh, and Alec!. Oh wait... wrong movie. Darn, I was so looking forward to seeing a horse that DIDN'T shriek like an elk and wasn't wearing a stuffed cow on its head.
Wake up, Ex-Ranger Girl!. The natives are coming!.
Those are, without a doubt, the whitest jungle natives ever under all that oompa loompa makeup.
The Two Morons watch from a distance. But then they get kidnapped too.
And the three of them were never seen again, because these were cannibalistic natives. If ONLY they'd landed on the other side where the peaceful, hippie natives live.... oh wait, wrong movie.
My bad, sorry.

Time to watch the ship sail in. It REALLY doesn't look very haunted right now.
Red Ranger's got that tracking device again (Alright Rangers, it's time to admit that your leader has an addiction problem. That's the first step towards healing, admit that you have a problem).
Drat, the tracker doesn't work (surprise!. NOTHING WORKS HERE!). A conversation that SHOULD have happened.
Red Ranger: Hey, Green Ranger, go to the island by yourself and see if you can get kidnapped.
Green Ranger: OKAY!. That sounds totally AWESOME!!!.
That's what happened, but not what they said. It's sad, I know.
He goes below deck, opens a magic hatch and drives his van-type zord out.
Yes. It secretly doubles as a boat. Shut up, it makes sense.
He casually drives onto the beach. Maybe nobody will notice him if he goes slowly....

In the salmon, the temper tantrums continue.
And, for no particularly GOOD reason, they fire torpedoes. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Green Ranger makes it to the top of the island and gets out of his van. Hey, it's really high up here!.

On the boat, there is a collective “oh crap, missiles!”.
But it's okay, they can't be detected at all inside the zords. They'll be safe there.

From his view atop the mountain, Green Ranger sees the ship explode. Dang, he's part of a dying race now. What to do, what to do...

Inside the salmon....
YAY!. An explosion!. It's SOOOO pretty!.

Green Ranger: Dang... their dead. Imma go cry now. Oh wait, they're in the zords. They're fine. Okay, I won't cry. I promise. Now I can continue to explore in peace.
He never said anything, but those were the expressions on his face. And then it cut to him crossing a stream while looking WAY too happy.
Now he's climbing a.... whatever that pile of rocks is.
WHERE is he going and WHY?.

And from here we see the great migration of Evil. The leader of the herd is often the brightest colored and also calls loudest and most often. Directly behind is often the tallest and the one to whom the leader shows favor. Behind them is the minion who is highly honored with carrying a favorite pet or object of the herd leader. In the center of the group there can typically be seen at least one prisoner, frequently with his hands tied together either in front or behind. In the rear of the group is the one voted Most Useless by the leader (yeah, I got to watch Lady Evil and her gang walk for awhile and they didn't do anything particularly fun).

Green Ranger uses his special binoculars to watch Lady Evil and her group trek across the only open area in this jungle-type island. Hey, she's still got Larry-Boy!. We're so surprised.
(You know, he's been dying since this whole thing started, you'd think he'd do that eventually)


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