Sunday, April 24, 2011

TV Proven Facts

Because I haven't posted in forever, and probably won't make up anything new for awhile, I've decided to take some old stuff I've written and post them, just so the blog isn't entirely dead.
I'm also considering adding things like reviews and stuff, instead of just recaps, which can easily take five hours or more to complete. I may also expand to specific episodes of TV shows, probably mostly pilots and the like.
I'm also considering expanding to just generally making fun of film-type things, like I have in the past with movie horses and stuff (only putting them in this blog instead of my other one).
Anyway, enough outta me.
Written May 12th, 2010

1. In a battle, the one with the most sparkles (whether by magic or flame or something else entirely) invariably wins.

2. If you're a scaredy little twerp in the background, you're very likely the first to get killed or kidnapped (this does not only apply to the Horror genre).

3. If your subconscious is coming to the surface more than it should, it is very likely evil and needs to be destroyed (preferably without killing you).

4. If you don't actually know Martial Arts, crazy dance moves or wild flailing near your opponent will suffice.

5. It's okay if you don't say something profound. As long as you sound profound while saying it.

6. If you're the most depressed and brooding person around, look out: you just might be the main character and thus are the most likely to get beaten up or yelled at.

7. Say you're half-way through the series and some attractive person of the opposite gender to the main character pops up out of NOWHERE. Beware: they're either going to die a horrible death and make Our Hero very sad and feel guilty or turn out to be evil and beat him/her to a pulp and make them cry.

8. Watch out for the two characters of opposite gender who fight with each other and hate each other the most. They're the most likely to get married.

9. Unless one of them is evil. Then the good one and evil one will likely have a love/hate relationship (which will be quite messy and involve bloodshed and probably the tragic death of the evil one as they finally turn good and sacrifice themselves for the good one's pair of slippers or something).

10. If one of the main characters is absent from a fight, everyone will DIE. Until they come to save them. And it doesn't matter if they're the most pathetic fighter who was ever on the face of the Earth.

11. If you're hopelessly lost, wander around until you find this episode's important lesson. Do NOT stay in one place. If you try, something evil will attack you and chase you away.

12. Always walked right down the middle of a large room if something creepy might be in there. Do NOT turn the lights on and be sure to walk into the ONLY fake cobweb in the entire place.

13. Beware of the newly added Most Annoying and Useless Character Known To Man. They're likely to stay FOREVER and become a main character.

14. If someone says “stay here” you've got three options. One: follow them and save their lives (possibly at the cost of your own). Two: stay here and get kidnapped/killed. Three: follow them and get in the way as much as possible so they have to keep saving you. I never said they were GOOD options.

15. If you're in the desert with someone else, be sure to get into a fight and spill as much of their water as humanly possible. Then trudge around for awhile in broad daylight until they are suffering from heatstroke and are completely insane. Then make them drink your water (though they'll spill a lot of it trying not to take someone else's water). Thus you can save their life, hang out with a crazy person, give them a guilt trip (so they will never argue with you again) and trudge around in the desert during the day with no water (thus making you look sickly, so everyone feels sorry for you) all at the same time.

16. So you and your friends just got beaten up by Mr. Ultimate Evil Dude. Quickly tell your friends to go do something to save everyone in words that are incomprehensible to any human but them (and preferrably off-screen). You can hold off Mr. Evil (even though you just got badly injured last time when everyone was fighting TOGETHER). Hopefully your friends will return to save you. But if they don't, at least you can die a heroic death.

17. If you're the main character and the plot requires sacrifice of life, you don't have many options. One: you can choose to go and give your life and end the series (but hey, the evil guy is gone, right?. Mission accomplished, no need to survive anyway). Two: you can try to go and do the heroic, life costing thing, but your sidekick will knock you out (as though he's ever managed to catch you by surprise before. HA!) and go die himself (YAY!. You survived and the Evil Guy is dead!. And your sidekick..... well he was really just a prop to make you look good anyway). Three: Go die, but make sure you have a handy dandy life-bringer-back-thing so your friends can revive you. Four: Die, but make a deal with the Grim Reaper to return you to life and kill some other sucker. Five: Die and get replaced with someone much cooler (or more lame) than you.

18. If you need a Dizzy Blond character, make sure she's a brunette to avoid any potentially offensive “Dizzy Blond Jokes”.

19. Make sure to stick in an episode specifically about “recycling is AWESOME” to make the Go Green people happy.

20. If you have a theme song everyone loves, be sure to make up any excuse to use a lame one.

21. ANYTHING can make a HUGE explosion. And, if an explosion isn't what you need, everything can at LEAST be set on fire.

22.Most important rule of them all: No matter how hard you try, you can't kill Mr. Ultimate Evil Dude (even at the end, there will always be “some part that was too evil to destroy” or some such nonsense) or Most Annoying and Useless Character Known To Man (unless it's the end, whereupon they suddenly become all smart and useful).

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